Happy New Year!!!

I am terrible at making resolutions, and even worse at keeping them. Saying I'm going to go to the gym twice a week every week never kicks off. Shopping less usually works, but because I don't give myself any parameters, how much less am I really shopping...?

So instead of making resolutions at the end of every year, I try to look back at the lessons I've learned over the past year and reflect on my intentions for the coming year. So...what have I learned this year, and what's to come for the next?

10 Lessons I Learned in 2009:

1. Be absolutely clear about your intentions and what you want before you put it out there in the universe. If you are, it will happen.
   
2. Always speak up for yourself. Or as Madonna once sang, "Express Yourself"
   
3. If you really don't want to do it, don't.
4. Listen to your body when it's trying to tell you something is wrong.
5. Do everything and anything that makes you happy at all times; never ignore your desires, doing so kills you a little bit inside.
6. When you're experiencing conflict with someone, keep in mind that it's usually not about you, so don't take it personally. It's all ego, don't push because pushing results in more resistance. Let things blow through and they might just turn out okay.
   
7. Be patient.
8. Let go of old baggage - tangible and intangible!
   
9. I'm not always right.
   
10. Dwelling on the negative will only perpetuate it and keep you stuck. So get it out of your system and then get over it. If necessary, give yourself a deadline (this works for depression too).

My Intentions for 2010:

1. Love with an open heart, don't let the past affect the here and now.
2. Use my Gratitude Journal daily - only need to come up with five things a day!
   
3. "Do" more, don't just think about it, and then subsequently forget about it.
4. Exercise my creative muscle more - go back to photography, take a painting or writing class.
5. Don't worry about things so much, all the worrying in the world isn't going to change things that are out of my control.
6. Plan for a vacation, rather than just pick up and go (this will make an overseas trip much easier!).
7. Let go of negativity, only surround myself with people who can support this. Stay positive and focused.
8. Don't be so hard on myself all the time.
9. Listen.
10. Celebrate daily. Celebrate life, love, family, friends, food, joy, beauty, art, emotion and inspiration...even fear!
    

That's a good start, I think. What are your lessons learned and intentions for 2010?

Have an amazing, safe, and loving New Year!!!!!

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Merry Christmas!!!

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Mortified With a Capital 'M'

You know your new relationship is solid when you've got one of those gut-wrenching stomach aches, have been sitting on the toilet for 15 minutes, emitting loud, sound-effect farts...liquid poop is coming out of your butt with your man in the very next room because it's a studio apartment and there's no where else to go, and you're mortified because there isn't a chance in hell the TV is loud enough to help mask the sounds.

At least I got THAT out of the way, what embarrassing milestone can I cover next???

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It's an Early Christmas for Chloe!

I've always had trouble with my back, but lately it's been worse than usual. I spent most of last weekend groaning like an old lady as I would stand up or try to sit/lay down, wincing and saying, "Oh my back!". It's not fun getting old, I feel like I'm falling apart!

So I went to my chiropractor to get cracked and fixed. And fix me he did, he twisted and cracked, gave me some heat and about 10 minutes with the electric stimulation thingy (for those of you who have never had this, it's for pain management, like acupuncture) I feel like a new woman!

As I was getting ready to leave, he gave me a cute little box. And what was inside? An at-home electric stimulation pack!!! He wanted me to use it on my back about an hour a day, apparently. He showed me how to use it, explained the little dials, I was all set.

The first words that popped out of my mouth?

"Oh cool, a new sex toy!!!"

Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas!!!!

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'Tis The Season

'Tis the season...to stress over presents...to eat yourself silly...for holiday parties galore...indulgence and excess. Too much of everything!

I went to my first holiday party tonight, and I literally ate so much, I think I may have hurt myself. Thank god for stretchy pants, that's all I can say!

I finally brought home a Christmas tree the other night (thanks to my brother for doing the heavy lifting)! I don't know why it's so important to me, but I just love having a Christmas tree. It makes home feel more homey and festive, I guess. I love decorating it, the piney smell, and love looking at the lights. And...I guess I also wanted to bring home some cheer, since this is around the time I had to put Zoe to sleep last year.

So we got the tree here, got it in the stand, poured the water in the base...and Mya decided to check it out. By trying to eat it. Dumbass.

Out came the squirt bottle, and I hope it worked to make her stop. The last thing I need is for her to chew away while I'm at work and to have to take her to the vet for another $300 visit!!!

This weekend is my annual Christmas baking marathon, and hopefully I'll find time to finish up my shopping. Why do I put things off to the final two or three weeks every year??? Every year I have the greatest of intentions to start around September/October, but every year, it boils down to this. Sigh.

'Tis the season!!!

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This Is The Life

I flew in my first private plane today. NO JOKE, I really did!!!

Not private jet like in the movies where there are lounge chairs and couches, this was a regular 30-seater jet, but it was still nice!

So let me back up a bit - one of my clients called me about two weeks ago and asked if I would be willing to come out to Ohio to present and demo to their IT group, who is looking to contract our services. "Let me check with my manager to see if I can travel approved," I say, because do I really want to fly out to Ohio in December? (I hate the cold, for those of you who don't know this about me.) "Oh no problem," my client says to me, "we have our own private shuttle that flies back and forth from NY to an airport 15 minutes away from our office twice a day, would that make it easier for you to come out for the meeting?"

HELL'S YAH!!!!!!

So he tells me to get to the airport at 8:15 this morning for the 8:30 flight. Yes people, you heard me right - I only had to show up 15 minutes before take off! I show my ID and I'm officially checked in. That's it. No printed boarding pass, no security line, no x-ray machines, no taking my shoes off, take your laptop out of the bag and into the bin, no take off your belt and jacket, NOTHING OF THE SORT. All I had to do was walk my ass out onto the tarmac and into that nice, clean plane.

And we taxied off in less than 10 minutes! When does that happen in the tri-state area, or any other metropolitan flight zone???!!!

The flight was like any other, except there were only about 15 people on the whole flight, no children whatsoever, and it was nice and silent. We had a nice simple breakfast served to us in the morning, but coming home, they served us grilled chicken salad with black bean salsa and a tomatillo vinaigrette, whole wheat crackers, and chocolate mousse (yes, seriously - dessert too) with whipped cream on top. Oh, and a nice little mint too. So thoughtful.

Oh, and the meeting went really well. I think I'm gonna get the additional business. But even if I didn't, I got to fly on a private plane today, so who really gives a shit after that???!!!

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Kid-Friendly

It amazes me how different kids are these days. Seeing how entitled and spoiled most kids are these days scares the crap out of me, and is one of the reasons I keep hitting the snooze button on my biological clock. Maybe it's because my parents weren't born here, but I would beat my kid if they talked back to me, or didn't respect their elders.

I have an adorable 6 year old cousin, who is spoiled rotten. She was the first baby in the family in 22 years, so it was unavoidable. Her parents both work 6 days a week, 12 hours a day, and my eldest aunt nannies her. She rarely hears no, gets to eat McDonald's, sweets and junk food almost daily and has been given no boundaries. In her 6 years, she has learned that if she pesters or screams loud enough, she will eventually get her way. I've seen her try to hit her mother, and be pissy with my grandmother. If someone tells her no, she pretends not to hear. When we're all together, if she asks for something and I tell her no, she'll go to our aunt or some other adult for a yes.

She's pretty much a terror and thinks the world revolves around her. She yells at her parents, is snarky to our grandmother, thinks everyone is there to wait on her hand and foot. Except, that is, when she's alone with me. Just call me Drill Sergeant.

Unfortunately my schedule doesn't allow me to spend as much time with her as I used to. But when we do get to have a play date, she has learned that tantrums wear her out before me, doesn't even bother asking for McDonald's anymore, that she will always be given a choice with me but each has consequences, and that everything isn't about her. Yet she comes back for more. I love a kid who knows there are limits. And I'm starting to believe they seek them out.

Last Saturday, she didn't have Chinese school, so she plopped her butt in front of the TV. I went over there, took one look and said, "Come on kid, let's go run some errands." She didn't know what errands are, but along she came, and I promised her we would bake Christmas cookies if she was on her best behavior. And I'm proud to say she was a complete angel when it was just the two of us around the city. We went shopping at the Apple store, looked for candle holders, she even sat patiently while I got my eyebrows threaded. I took every opportunity to thank her for keeping me company so I wouldn't get bored while I was out for the afternoon.

Later on, we baked and decorated. Now my version of baking is Christmas cookies is cutting into a Pillsbury log and sprinkling Christmas sugars, decals and dragees on top. Hey, maybe it was cheating but the kid loved it, and her tray definitely came out looking nicer than mine! Unfortunately, she found the dragees too crunchy (I kind of agreed), and ended up spitting them out, but they sure did look good. I put the cooled cookies in a container for her, which she had the manners to ask if she has to return it (I assured her it would be fine to keep), and as we started to get ready to take her and her cookies home, she said "I didn't really like them, I don't want them".

All I did was take one look at her, and she said, "Oh...okay."

That is one smart kid. Like I said, just call me Drill Sergeant!

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Holy Shit, There Are Awards For This?!

Imagine my surprise and delight when Entrepreneur Chick called me "Transparent, truthful, charming and always humorous", and this is the best part: she said I am the exact Chinese version of her (could I be so lucky?!)

Not that she randomly talks about me on her blog all the time, she had presented me with the honor of my very first award!

So having received this award, I am to tell you seven things you do not know about me:

1. I believe in psychics and astrology. Not every psychic, mind you, but I do think there are people out there who have psychic abilities and will go for a session about twice a year or so.

2. I also think some things are best left in the unknown.

3. A piece of my heart died last year when I had to put my dog Zoe to sleep. My mom says I treat animals better than I treat people. She's probably right.

4. I am a total yuppie, but deep down inside, I wish I had the guts to break out of the corporate shell and be a creative. Except I don't have any true artistic talent (pole dancing doesn't count!)

5. I am a closeted sci-fi geek. I think the latest Battlestar Galactica series was some of the most amazing television ever created and produced. EVER.

6. I love who I am and how I look, but have always wished I had a smaller nose.

7. I love to travel but am terrible at planning vacations. I'm much more of a last-minute trip person, which is not ideal when you want to make a trip that really requires a time investment and thorough planning, like going somewhere overseas. I also hate group tours, so that doesn't help much either. I'm also not a fan of tourist traps, and would rather immerse myself in a new culture, be amongst the locals, see how their daily life is, get a taste. Then maybe seek out some tourist spots so I can at least say I was there.

Now I am to list seven people who I pass this award to:

1. Marilisa, Entrepreneur Chick - she gets me, she really really REALLY gets me. We are so alike, I think I really am the Chinese version of her. Not only am I lucky to call her my friend, but I also see her as my adopted Momma because she worries when I fly and stuff like that. It totally cracks me up because I've been traveling on my own for about 15 years now, but I do appreciate it.

2. Aunt Juicebox, Bacon is my Lover - her writing is so balls-to-the-wall honest and hard core, I constantly bust my gut laughing reading her blog. She takes bad situations and rough times, says it like it is and just rides the wave, which I completely admire.

3. Rebekah, The Maudern Experiment - real-life friend for more years than I can remember. We have been soul-sisters since day one. She just started a blog of her own and it is a true reflection of the honesty and love she exudes.

4. Jacob, Fools Rush In - a successfully married Match veteran. I love reading about what it's like to be married with step kids. So freaking honest and funny. And, he gives good advice about dating.

5. Avignon in Photos - a beautiful photography blog from Avignon, France. Of course, as I write this, I see that today's post is of poop. Love it.

6. Diamond in the Rough - incredibly, fucking hilarious. That's all I can say about that.

7. Okay...this is where I admit that I don't read more than six blogs on a regular basis...sorry, I feel kind of lame now. I could have lied, but that's just not my style.

I kind of feel like that person who has sent out one of those stupid emails that require you to forward within 5 minutes to 7 people otherwise you will have bad luck forever, but I did want to pass on the Superior Scribbler Award because I think those blogs fucking rock.

Having said that, for those of you who I bestow this award- please do so in return if you are so inclined. But if you don't, nothing bad will happen to you, don't worry.

List seven things we do not know about you.

Pass the award on to seven blogs you enjoy.

Thank the original sender.

Notify the seven blogs to whom you passed the award.

Momma, thank you again for my very first award!!!!

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***UPDATE*** Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

C just called (so he DOES know how to use the phone) to apologize. His ears must have been burning as I was writing the last post!

He explained that he was drunk (I already knew that). He was in the area, but didn't have my number in his phone anymore and had no clue as to what time it was (okay, whatever). It was stupid (I already knew that too and agreed with him), and it will never happen again. Damn skippy it won't!!!!

He tried making small talk, asking how I've been, how work is...I gave him simple, one-word answers.

I should give the boy major props for having the balls to call and apologize, and I magnanimously accepted his apology. He assured me once again that it would never happen again, asked if my boyfriend was there, to which I answered, "NO, because I wouldn't speaking to you for more than these 2 minutes if he was."

And that was that. Is there a full moon today or something???

I'm just shocked...

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Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

I was on the phone with my new guy, T, the other night. We were having the "How many kids do you want if you even want kids, and what kind of parent would you be?" conversation (initiated by him, not me!!!). And the answers were yes, two, and fair but strict were both our answers (yes, I want kids this week). Then out of no where, at 12:30 am, my apartment telecom buzzes.

Me: Hello?

Stranger: Chloe?

Me: Who is this?

Stranger: An old friend from the neighborhood.

Me: ...Who IS this???

Stranger: C

Me (thinking): Holy FUCK, T is still on the phone and has heard this whole exchange. What could he be thinking??? And what the hell is C doing here, I haven't spoken to him in well over a year!!!

I get back on the phone and T asked if he should let me go and do I want to call him back. I said yes, I'll call him back in a few minutes, that it was an old friend and that I haven't spoken to him in about 2 years or something along those lines, that he was probably drunk off his ass, so let me just deal with him and I'll call him right back.

The second I opened my door, "Do you know how to use the fucking phone?" and "What the hell are you doing here?" were the first words out out of my mouth. I couldn't help it. It's been so long, who the hell does he think he is, and just how drunk was he to think he could show up at my door?! And THANK GOD this didn't happen when T was here!!!

And then I realized my neighbors could hear all my shit, so I let him in as far as the kitchen to finish reaming him for showing up at my door unannounced. He smelled like booze, and had the audacity to ask, "You seem mad, should I go???"

Just to get rid of him, I said, "Well, I was on the phone with my boyfriend when you buzzed, so I don't know how I'm going to explain this when I call him back in a few minutes."

C: Oh...boyfriend? Then I should go.

Me: Yes you should.

C: Where is he tonight?

Me: Not that it's any of your business, but he just got back from visiting his Dad for Thanksgiving.

C: Oh. This is awkward.

Me (thinking): And you didn't think it would be when you walked into my building and randomly buzzed my door after more than a year of us ending things????

The whole exchange couldn't have taken more than 5 minutes, maybe 7, and as soon as I shut the door, I was speed-dialing T. I have to say he is a total gentleman and a genuine class-act, he didn't seem affected by the late night interruption at all, and simply picked up where we left off when we hung up. It's only been a few weeks, and we haven't had the exclusive talk or anything yet, so technically he has no right to be bothered, but still...! And yes, I called T my boyfriend, but I only did it to get rid of C. It's still too soon for that!

But back to C, how ballsy and drunk do you have to be??? And what exactly did he think was going to happen, that I would let him in, be thrilled to see him and just jump into bed with him?!

Yes, there is a reason he belongs in my past. Hopefully now he'll REALLY stay there!!!

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A Fresh Start

"Change your space, change your life."

That's a Hebrew saying an old coworker once taught me. It's true, isn't it? How much better do you feel about things once you've tidied up a bit, vacuumed, or cleaned the bathroom?

I've spent the last few months painting and completely redecorating my apartment, and it's like a brand new home! It's amazing what a fresh coat of paint will do, but to get rid of all your old furniture and start anew??? I had wiped the slate clean and was ready to start a new chapter in my journey.

And believe it or not, things have started happening...the pot has been stirred, and I'm having fun with it! I do things for the joy of doing them, and only if it feels good. I feel like the term "joy" is so under-utilized. It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day, and many of us forget to seek joy in life. But I've made it my new mission in life...

JOY

Know what you desire and just go for it. Why the hell not? Life's too short not too! It's amazing what will happen when you really clarify what your intentions and desires are in life.

Try it and see what happens!

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Happy Thanksgiving!!!

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A Mother's Love, Part Deux

Alright, so everything's okay...I got a call from the head of the practice this morning, Mya's blood work is totally normal, and he looked at her x-rays.

Basically, the issue is that my cat needs to take a really, REALLY big dump!!!!!!!

Enema tomorrow morning, here we come...!!!

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A Mother's Love

My poor little baby, my kitty, Mya, is sick :( Her regular vet was out today, but the vet I took her to today took x-rays and thinks there might be a lesion on her spine.

I can't imagine the kind of love and fear a mother would feel for a child they have borne and raised, but Mya is essentially my child. The poor thing can't speak for herself, nor can she help me understand what's wrong except to cry when something hurts. But she can't tell me how much pain she's in, where or why. And it breaks my heart to feel so helpless.

My Mom says I've always treated my pets better than I treat humans. She's probably right. I have a soft spot for rescues, I can't help it. If only I had ESP or some type of radar that could hone in on what's wrong.

For now, all I can do is hope for the best and give her lots of love when she does come out from under the couch.

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Modern Dating

Has dating changed much over the decades?

JO said an interesting thing to me the other day - he said that modern dating has made things harder for both sides. Men have to be everything and more, as do women. Very true, but is that really any different than it used to be?

Women always had to be Betty Crocker at home. Men always had to be...well, men. Now we're expected to be the modern versions of each.

It's obvious that gender roles have changed over the years. Women want to be more empowered, and men have learned to respect that (we hope). Women have a need to be self-sufficient and independent...and men need to figure out the dance of backing off but know when to be there as needed.

But how has that affected dating in today's day and age?

Do we want dinners paid for us? Do we want to chip in? Should there be a give and take?

Where is the How-To for all this? I know there are tons of dating books out there, but which to follow, if at all??? Is it all a case-by-case basis?

I suppose if you were really old fashioned, everything should be on the man's shoulders. He plans the date, picks her up, pays for drinks, pays for dinner, the movie, pay for bowling, etc. But in a city like New York, where everything is so expensive, is that fair?

In a time where women expect to be treated fairly, should we chip in at least a little?

I've said that I'm not a feminist. Honestly, I like being taken care of. I like being treated to a special night out. I like getting flowers, helped with the car door and my coat. But I also enjoy being able to chip in a little, to show my appreciation for a great night.

Hmm...I'm obviously all mixed up here...any thoughts people?

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Jump In With Both Feet, But Swim Slowly

I've been pretty gun-shy since my ex and I broke up earlier this year. Not so bad that I won't go out on dates or anything, but admittedly, I've been cautious.

We had instant, explosive chemistry. It was a blind date, so we both were surprised by how comfortable and attracted we were to each other so quickly. I thought he might be the one. Obviously it hasn't worked out that way, but everything happens for a reason, right?

And now, I'm not sure I trust instant fireworks. I'd almost rather have a good, slow burn that builds up with a strong foundation.

What's the hesitation? I'm nervous that I might get burned again. I'm afraid that I might fall and there won't be anyone there to catch me. That little, insecure girl inside this grown woman is worried that feelings might not be reciprocated. I hate to admit it, but while it is a tiny nodule of fear, it is there after all.

But, I truly believe good things come to those who wait. So, I'm going to trust my instincts going forward. I'll take the nerves and butterflies as a good sign that I'm going out of my comfort zone and breaking down my own walls. I'll take the time to really get to know a guy before hormones and sex takes over and leaves me in a daze.

There is no reward without some risk. I'm going to jump in with both feet, but swim oh so slowly...!

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Getting to Know You

Whenever I start to date someone new, I always wonder when or even if, I should tell them about my pole dance classes. I mean, if it goes beyond a few dates, it's something that's going to come out sooner or later, so why not get it out there early? But, do I really want to give the guy the wrong impression? Actually, now that I think about it, what kind of impression does it give???

The thing is, if you tell a guy, and he's not totally lecherous about it, that's a good sign that he's not a pig, so it's a good weeding out tool. Obviously, if he acts like an idiot about it, well, then it's obvious that he's an immature ass and should therefore be kicked to the curb. Easy enough, right?

The whole topic usually comes up when the conversation turns to what you like to do in your spare time, and for myself and the men I tend to meet, the gym, yoga or running pretty much always comes into the mix. So that leads to more questions: what do you like to do when you work out, how often do you go, etc. More often than not, the conversation goes something like this:

Him: So what do you do to workout?

Me: Oh you know, the usual - cardio and weights at the gym, some yoga, and dance classes, stuff like that.

Him: What kind of dance classes, ballet or ballroom or something?

Me: No, kind of like a modern dance.

Him: What type of modern dance?

Me: Well, really it's a pole dance class.

Him: ...pole classes? You mean...like...stripper classes???!!!!

At that point, if they're pigs and/or not too bright, a huge cheshire grin will start to appear. So I have to explain that no, it's not stripper classes. None of the teachers, or even any students, in the school are strippers, they're all professional career-women or housewives who do it for themselves, their self-confidence, or to shake things up in their workout routine. Then I explain how S Factor started out, and it's philosophy. I emphasize that men aren't allowed in the studio, that it's a very nurturing environment, and almost like a sanctuary, and how it's extremely women-centric. I also explain that it's dancing for gratification of the self, rather than for the gratification of men, and that it's something I truly do for me, for the workout, and because I enjoy it so much.

They eventually get it, but they still have that little fantasy playing in their head. And why wouldn't they, it's only natural. It doesn't mean they'll get to see the fantasy come true though! Unless I'm really digging the guy, I don't even bother to get into the fact that I have a pole in my apartment anymore, that just opens up a a huge can of worms!!!

Then there are the guys who just don't know what the hell to do with the fact that I can pole dance. No interest in it whatsoever, don't want to hear about it and really don't want to see any of the new moves I've learned lately...those guys are kind of weird too.

I asked a few friends for their opinion about it the other day, and the feedback I got kinda surprised me.

B said why not lay it out there and see their first reaction. If they can't handle it, then they can't handle me. And, if I think he's an idiot, just say it for shock value and for fun. This is kind of how I've been approaching it these last few years. I have to admit, the reactions I get can be amusing!

C chimed in that it was too much info for a first date. And that, in his opinion, it would be just like asking what your favorite position is on the first date. C's opinion shocked the hell out me, are my class THAT big of a deal??? Have I become completely jaded to its shock factor?

My sister said I don't want to give the wrong impression, so I should lie if exercise comes up, but that's a bad idea on so many levels. You can't start out lying right away, where could that possibly go?!

And once again, what is this impression that people get when they learn about my classes, anyways?

J had GREAT advice. She suggested I keep it under my hat, wait to see if they make it to the fifth date or so, then just mention it casually one day, like a very blase, "oh, didn't I already tell you???". That way, I'm keeping him on his toes just when he thinks he's got me figured out, and I'll be even sexier than he already thinks. Plus, it's honest, I'm open about it, and it's just a part of my life. No big deal. If I downplay it, I'll seem super cool.

I liked J's perspective on it. Plus, the 34-year old, more mature me is trying not to let my libido make my decisions anymore because it just gets me in trouble. So keeping the classes under my hat until I REALLY get to know a guy seems like the smarter thing to do. J always find a way to get things just right, she's awesome like that.

But I have to come back to my other question... I realize that while I think it's a perfectly normal hobby and this is just me, doing my thang, not everyone is as open-minded. I'm not really one to care what people think of me, but this has me very curious for some reason...

Tell me, what do my classes make people think???

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Snoozefest

I know I haven't posted a funny bad date story in a while, and I must apologize for that. I just haven't been on any bad dates in a while! But then again, I haven't been on any really good dates in a while either. They've all been perfectly nice, yet perfectly bland.

How sad is it that I'm wishing for a really bad date right now so we can all laugh our asses off over it? I'm not even joking!

I should take that back, we really don't want to put that wish out there in the universe!

Well...it would be nice to go on a good date...a really good date. The guys I've been meeting on the dating site haven't all been freaks and creeps, thank god. But they've been...nice. I honestly have nothing more to say about them. I guess I need a male version of me. I want some excitement, or someone I can be excited about, how hard can that be?

I'm...not bubbly, but I am fairly gregarious and ebullient. I have light and I look for light. I want to go on a date and have lots of fun, laugh, giggle...feel some chemistry, you know?

I had a coffee date this afternoon, and while there weren't major fireworks, there were definitely sparks. He was really nice and funny. We sat there talking the afternoon away, and it was comfortable, easy. I enjoyed his company, and so far, it seems we have quite a few things in common!

So let's see how this goes...stay tuned!

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Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

Use what you have. We have all been given skills, talents and gifts to utilize in life. It can range from the ability to sing, to the ability to calculate complex algorithms, to the ability to sew a stitch. Some of us have the ability to charm and enamour. Yes, that's a skill too!

Some women will hate me for this, would call it sexploitation, and that I'm promoting gender roles. But I say smoke 'em if you got 'em. Why not?! I'm not saying sleep your way to the top, I'm saying we as women have the advantage of being able to flirt, charm, and titillate into getting little extras in life. How many times have you charmed your way out of a speeding ticket, into skipping the long line at the door of a hot club, getting a discount, or even used it to get an extra shot of tequila in that margarita from the cute bartender? I have, it's great being a girl in situations like that!

I'm sorry, but women and men aren't equal. Women have the power. We are the ones who can captivate, multi-task, we decide when our other half gets laid, most of us can articulate and process our emotions, and nothing makes a man happier than to make us happy. Why not be happy with that and just let it be?

It's a biological and chemical reaction - this interaction between men and women. Animals do it too. It's pheromones.

Use it, have fun with it, feel free to go out and play!

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Ask and Ye Shall Receive

"You can't have it all if you don't ask for it" - Mama Gena

Most of us are scared to ask for what we want. Why is that? Does it make us feel selfish? Impolite? Do we think it's going to jinx things?

What is so wrong with knowing what you want and asking for it, even if you're just asking yourself?

The thing is, you can't expect to get what you want in life if you don't express it, articulate it. How else will you and others know what you want? it's scary, I know, but try it. Start small, like with what you want for dinner. Then move on to what you want to do this weekend, what you want for your job, your life, etc. It will feel awkward, but do it anyway. How else will Santa, and the universe know what you want otherwise???

It scares me too, believe me. It is scary as hell to articulate my intentions and desires. But to kick it off for myself, here goes...

I want to keep writing and writing and writing, and I want to keep loving it.

I also want to make lots of money doing it!

I want honest, true love. Earth-shattering, passionate love, with a man I trust and respect, who thinks the world of me and vice versa. Who loves me as I am, who will be there for me, and will be my best friend.

I want the freedom to be whoever I want to be.

I want to keep challenging myself and growing every single day.

I want to have the courage to ask for what I want. Always.

There's more, but I think that's a good start, right?

What do you want?

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Not a Snowball's Chance

It's amazing what some men will try to get away with. We all flirt, it's human nature. It keeps life fun and interesting. But where is the line?

I used to be a field rep in the auto industry, and was literally paid to be sexually harassed by my clients on a daily basis. These guys tried every angle, whether they were married or not. I was called hon, sweetie, sweetcakes, wiggler, you name it, I was called it. I even thought about getting myself a fake engagement ring, thinking that would make it all stop, but from speaking with other women in the field, nothing would stop those guys. I didn't get it and left the industry after a few years.

What in the world makes these guys keep trying when they clearly haven't got a snowball's chance in hell???

It's interesting, from a sociological perspective. If you want to get evolutionary about it all, men's purpose within the tribe was to hunt and procreate, and if you follow that logic, I guess they haven't evolved much over the centuries! It's all about conquering, competition...Veni, vidi, vici, as Julius Ceasar said.

And yet, if they haven't conquered, they try, try, and try again. I guess it's in their DNA!

I once had a brief interlude with a guy, only to find out that he had a live-in girlfriend, who was a flight attendant. Convenient, huh? I ended it right away, but was willing to be friends, as I truly did enjoy his friendship. Of course, he took that as a sign that he could keep trying to get into my pants, even though I made it clear to him that I was off-limits! It got to the point where his persistence was so disrespectful to his girlfriend, I stopped taking his calls and ignored texts and emails. Fast forward to 6 or 7 years later, and he still attempts to reach out a few times a year, wishing me happy holidays or whatever. Just a year ago, he sent me a friend invite on Facebook. It's actually starting to border on harassment at this point, but I digress. Not a snowball's chance in hell, yet he still tries.

That creepy cyber sex fiend I mentioned last week? He emailed me today, asking, "Are we not lovers anymore?"

Hello??? Are you kidding me with this shit???!!!

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What Am I?

Where are you from?

I am asked this question all the time. There are a few ways I can answer, depending on who is asking the question, my mood, whether they are annoying me or not...etc.

I am:
A New Yorker
Chinese
A first generation American

And not necessarily in that order.

I often say I am a woman stuck between two worlds. I was raised Chinese AND American. While my father has been here since he was twelve, and grew up in the West Village, he's fairly old fashioned yet just wants me to be happy. My mom has been here since '69, and has accepted that I'm not the traditional Chinese daughter most parents hope for, but I'm pretty sure she's proud of me and my independence. My parents are very traditional, but they did raise me to be true to myself, and they get it.

I think.

I never went to Chinese school, even though they tried. Apparently, I kicked and screamed something so fierce, they gave up. As a child, my parents spoke English at home to us kids, because they thought we would get confused. In my grade school years, I was around other Chinese kids, but I was different because we didn't speak Chinese at home. Later on, we moved to the suburbs, and no more Chinese kids to hang out with, but I was still different. I came from Brooklyn and had a heavy accent. I didn't get suburban life. Actually, I still don't get suburban life, but that's a whole other story.

I do have my traditional moments, though. I celebrate the major holidays, and try my best to follow traditions. I respect my elders and ancestors, and never speak out in anger towards them. But is that enough to call me Chinese?

I can look at certain scenarios, and tell you whether my behavior or reaction would be my Chinese self or my American self. For example, not going to law school like my parents wanted - American-me. Cleaning my house from top to bottom right before New Year's Eve - Chinese-me. Not telling my pain-in-the-ass aunt to mind her own business and get a life - Chinese-me. Disagreeing with China's human rights policies or lack of - American-me.

And so on...but there are certain things about me that are neither American or Chinese. I'm not religious, yet spiritual, which is definitely not a result of either culture. And the fact that I'm not attracted to Asian men...where does that come from? A good Chinese daughter would suck it up and try anyway.

So who or what am I???

Actually, does it matter? I live in this world, just like everyone else. I think the way I think and act the way I act because I am very simply, ME. Chinese-me, American-me, New York-me.

I just am.

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Good Advice

I got a great comment today from Jacob about online dating. He accomplished what millions of us have been searching for - a happy, successful relationship resulting in marriage, AND they met online!

His advice to me was to:

• stick to a 10 year age limit - done
  
• get a picture - lesson learned...the hard way!
  
• get rid of dudes who take their time sealing the deal - done
  
• get rid of dudes who avoid basic questions - again, lesson learned the hard way!

Again, all great advice! I have one thing to add though:

• get rid of dudes who ask nothing about you or what you write about in your profile

If they show a lack of interest in you and what you are about now, what will his interest level be 6 months from now???

Thanks again Jacob!

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The Divorcee

I just got back from a sublime weekend in San Diego, where I was visiting a girlfriend who moved out there. It was absolutely amazing - her apartment faces the ocean, the weather was perfect, I rented a Mustang convertible...the view from her balcony was an endless parade of half-dressed surfer dudes. What more could a girl want?

And as if all that wasn't enough, she said the dating scene is a thousand times easier out there. No games, no bullshit, no Mommy issues...! The men there actually want to meet women and try to have real relationships, not just fuck around, period, the end.

Wait, those types of men actually exist?!

So I sat down on her balcony with a glass of Pinot, eager to hear about the men whilst enjoying the view. She's been on a lot of great dates so far, and one actually worked out for a few months except for one thing. He was one of those dreaded divorcees. He talked about his ex-wife...

All. The. Time.

Ugh.

Okay, so I missed ex-wife issues in the list above. But you'll encounter that no matter where you live, right?

I still think it might be worth investigating a possible move...!

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Is This For Real???

It's week 2 of online dating, and I am kind of at a loss for words! I have no idea what's normal and what's not when it comes to amount of winks and emails you get from men, but I guess I'm doing okay so far.

As I've mentioned, I'm in sales, so I can engage and carry a conversation with just about anyone. But it seems most of these guys write the same canned opening email, "Hi gorgeous, I really liked what you had to say in your profile. Check out mine and if you like what you see, write back!" Snooze...can't they at least reference something I wrote in my profile, or say something funny...? Let me know you noticed something besides my picture!!! If I do write back, I always make it a point to mention something they wrote about in their profile, how else are you going to connect with a person???

I've been emailing with a handful of guys at this point, and most of them seem pretty nice so far. It's interesting, some of these guys will email you for days, then disappear after the 3rd or 4th email. Others get clingy and email ALL the time...I can't make heads or tails of it. Others treat you like a pen pal, which is also kind of weird to me...but what do I know?

There was one guy who was actually funny, so we exchanged several emails and then graduated to IM'ing late last week. We had about 2 or 3 really amusing chats, but I noticed he would evade all questions about himself or give really vague answers. Hmm...red flag. But it was fun, flirty, and he was amusing, you know? Seemed pretty harmless, I figured maybe he just takes his time opening up.

But the next thing I know, after exchanging a round of recent pictures with one another, he starts hinting about "naughty pictures". Um...I beg your pardon??? I brushed it off, thinking he was joking, but then his talk starts getting racier, asking me if I want to be "properly touched", and offering to send me pics of some "good stuff". Basically, he turned into a Creepy McCreeperson, a cyber sex fiend, the kind of guy that gives online dating a bad name!!!

Needless to say, I blocked his ass. Seriously...I'm not too thrilled with the world of online dating so far!!!

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Adventures In Online Dating

Last week, I thought it would be interesting to try out online dating, just to try something different and to see what's out there...you know, trying to shake things up. I had briefly tried it over a year ago, but met my ex shortly thereafter and that was the end of that venture.

It's interesting...browsing men as if shopping from a catalog. You can be proactive and reach out to them, or you can be passive and just see what comes your way. I'm kind of chicken shit shy about this whole process, so I'm pretty much letting them email me or sending a "wink" if I REALLY think they're cute.

So it's been a little less than a week, and pretty interesting so far. I replied to one guy who didn't have a picture on his profile, but he seemed nice from his email, and I didn't want to be closed-minded about this whole thing, so I wrote back. His next email still didn't have a pic, so I flat out asked him for it, and well...while he wasn't fugly, I definitely see why he didn't post it. That was a rookie mistake, huh? And I honestly didn't know what to do about it. If I send him a "no thanks" email or just stop replying, he'd know that it was because of his looks, and then I would seem like a vain and shallow bitch, right??? But what is my alternative here, I wasn't even that interested to begin with. So while I took the night and next day to decide what to do, he wrote me again, "you there?". The next day, he wrote another email, and yesterday, he wrote yet again. Needless to say, I didn't feel too bad about sending him a canned "no thanks" email after that.

Then this morning, I was looking through my recent emails and I noticed a trend...a fairly large number of the men emailing me are in the 40+ range. At 34, do I fall into THAT category already??? Not that I have a problem with older men. I just don't remember this many in that range emailing me the last time around. And there have been practically no men in their 20's emailing me. Do men look at my age and think "no way, she probably wants babies ASAP!"

Am I being subjected to online dating age discrimination??? Do they not believe me when I put "Maybe" in the kids question???

I'm not sure how I feel about online dating. I like to meet a person face to face, feel them out, see if I get a spark or even a tingle. But it's only been a week, and there are so many people I know who have had successful relationships from online dating, so why not, right?

Anyone have some tips for me?

Oh and btw, none of the guys I've sent "winks" to have returned the gesture, how rude!!!!

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Just a Little Patience...

I've always been the type of girl who once I've made up my mind about something, I want it right now. No good things come to those who wait for me, I'll say it till I'm blue in the face, but can't get myself to follow it, that's for sure.

We live in a culture that has evolved its focus to instant gratification. Want a new car? Instant bank approval. Want a new couch? Just run out and buy one! Have a hankering for brownies? You can make a batch in the microwave in just a few short minutes, or better yet, in New York, just get them delivered, why bother making it and cleaning dishes afterward? Domino's used to advertise delivery in 30 minutes or your pizza is free. Want that new CD? You don't even have to go to the store anymore, you can download it in less than a minute!

One-click checkout, one-stop shopping, buy online and have it delivered next day, drive-thru, EZ Pass, search for a date online, instant messaging, instant noodles, instant results, no waiting. Digital photos, DV-R, Video on Demand. Demand, demand, demand, now, now, NOW.

What is the rush? Where are we running to so fast?

I'm just as guilty of it...I get an itch for something, I go out and get it. If I want something done, I want it done quickly.

But it might be time to slow down. My ex taught me an Israeli saying, "The shortest way is the longest way." It totally makes sense. There is always some compromise when we do things quickly, whether it's quality, value, or what have you. This weekend, I painted my apartment and sanded the walls down to have proper paint application. Could I have just slapped a coat on and have been done with it? Of course, but would there still be dings, dents and holes? Yes. (There still are, but I'm working on this whole patience thing, give me some time!)

Time is already flying by, why should I help it along? We're already at mid-October, where did 2009 go?

I know it's a little late for New Year's Resolutions, but I'm going to make one now - slow down and take notice. Appreciate everything around me, notice everything I see and hear. Take time to laugh, live and enjoy. It's bad enough to be part of the rat race these days, I can at least take time to have fun before even more time just slips away.

Who's with me?!

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The Other Side

I met up with some friends for a late supper tonight - all of them were bachelors in their mid-50's, and all looking for...well, something. The first bachelor is a well-to-do artist, and still going through his Peter Pan phase, just looking for fun and play. Another has been divorced for over a year, and looking for love. And the last...well, let's just say his work is his mistress.

It was interesting to see and hear things from their perspective. They had a lot of the same gripes we do about the opposite sex and go through a lot of the same issues with dating and meeting people.

So what's the disconnect here? If these great, single men can't find love, and all the great, single women I know can't find love, what's going on? Could it be as simple as missed connections and bad timing? Or is there such a difference between what we put out there as a singleton vs. as a boyfriend/girlfriend that we just don't see it?

There's got to be something I'm missing here. I know we're all busy and it's hard to make the time to get to know someone, but where is that tipping point when you decide to make time and give them priority?

Or maybe it is true that men are from mars and women are from venus? This is the one and only dating book I've ever read, and I admit, a lot of it makes sense! If this book is correct, we all need a translator when speaking to the opposite sex. And just to give you the bare bones of the book - nothing makes men happier than making a woman happy, and women just want to be listened to and acknowledged.

But...even with all this good advice, why does it seem so difficult?

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I'm Gonna Wash That Gray...

It has begun...I found a thin, silvery-gray hair this morning. Right up there on the top of my head. The strand was fairly normal, except for that inch of gray that had started to grow at the root. It was an absolutely devastating way to start my day. Tragic!!!

I've found white hairs before. Not often, I'll see one maybe once or twice a year. But when I do find them, I can convince myself it's due to stress. Not this. I'm 34 now, and this is just a sign of more to come!

Of course I plucked the fucker right out. But I spent the rest of my day obsessing, wondering how many more haven't I found yet, how many are growing right now..?

This is just another reminder that I'm getting OLD. I'm AGING. UGH. I don't want to reverse the signs of aging, but can't I just stay right here, at 34? I'll admit that I am fortunate. People often mistake me for the younger sister, and usually think I'm still in my 20's. But with the grays coming, how long will that last???

Yeah, I'm a little vain. I can't help it. Men become "distinguished" as they age. Women just age. How unfair is that?

I'll fight this with all I've got. If I find another, I'll start coloring my hair and have fun with it. It's the least I can do! I won't start shooting my forehead with Botox, but let's see how I feel when my eyelids start sagging down to my cheeks! Like I said, I'm fighting this! I can't accept that it's all downhill from here.

Watch out grays and wrinkles, this is WAR!!!!!!

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The Great Baby Race

By the end of 2009, I will have 9 new babies in my life. My friends and family have been quite prolific in the last year. It seems everywhere I go, everywhere I look, people are procreating like rabbits. I hope to God it's not contagious.

You would think all this baby activity would make my clock start ticking, but no. Not even a slight hum. I honestly don't know if I have the gene that makes women want to create life. Don't get me wrong, I love babies! I'm thrilled for my friends, and get excited to see what they're experiencing and the life they're creating. I just don't know if I want to make one. I'll do all the horizontal practice it takes, but no babies, please!

Where does the urge come from? I have friends who think about it all the time, and can't wait to experience pregnancy. Im sorry, I don't know...I really don't get it at all. Give me another dog or cat to adopt, now that will get my heart melting!

Is something wrong with me? Am I selfish because I like my life, and my body, the way it is? I feel like if I decide I want children later on and I am no longer able, I can adopt. Problem solved, right?

Would I feel differently if I was in love?

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I Found It!!!

I thought I lost it. Really I did, and I was starting to get worried. I haven't been attracted to a man in about 2 months, and I was seriously beginning to wonder if I would ever feel it again. Now I mean really attracted, not the random passing, "Oh, he's kinda cute" thought. I mean desire. I really was starting to get worried. Did it get lost one night? Should I leave a light on, so it would find it's way back home, call out a search party? Was it gone forever???

But last night, it all came rushing back. Big time. I met a man, and he was HOT. Not just hot, I'm talking about...Holy Mother of God, absolutely unbelievable, never in my wildest dreams, drop-dead, fucking GORGEOUS. It hit me like a ton of bricks and literally caught me off guard (how could I see that coming if I thought my hot and bothered was on vacation, right?).

Last night, I had to take my wonderful adopted kitty to the photo studio. The little supermodel is going to be in next year's adoption group calendar! Now, the founder and I have known each other for 10 years, so she knows my history with photographers. Before we scheduled, she tells me he's already taken. Not to worry, I said, I've learned my lesson with them, twice, and I'm proud to say I'm done. Besides, all the people I've met through the adoption group have been a bit older, so I wasn't expecting anything other than a middle-aged man (sorry M!). Well...I was in for the shock of my life when I arrived downtown.

The studio door opened, and I found myself looking into the face of a man who could have been Gabriel Aubry's twin brother. I'm not even joking. I didn't know what to do. Again, it's been a few months since I've found myself being bowled over by a man and was really beginning to wonder if I would ever feel hot and bothered again (has that ever happened to any of you???). But last night, I was definitely hot AND bothered.

I know M said he was taken, so I hope I handled myself well. I hope he didn't see me checking out his butt. I hope he didn't see me blush. I was hoping he would become arrogant and turn me off, but he didn't. I wondered if the attraction was mutual. I hope I didn't act nervous or like a giggly school girl. I hope he couldn't tell I wanted to have his children immediately, which is amazing, because up until last night I had been completely ambivalent about the thought of bearing children! Sigh...

Alas, he is unavailable. Which has a sort of ironic poetry to it, doesn't it? Woman loses attraction to men, woman meets Gabriel Aubry look-alike, woman gets hot and bothered...man not interested and says "we" throughout photo session when talking about him and whoever. Life is cruel, my friends...so, so, so cruel.

Well, at least I've got my hot and bothered back!!!!

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What Are We Writing For?

This week, Entrepreneur Chick wrote about why we read and write blogs. It's a really good question. Reading the different blogs out there, you always wonder why they started writing, don't you?

Why do you read blogs? Are you satisfying that little voyeur deep down inside? Do you read to track trends, gather info, keep your finger on the pulse of an industry?

Why did I start writing this blog? To be honest, I started it to make my life easier. After my last relationship ended a few months ago, I began to find myself telling friends my latest bad date story over and over and over again. I don't mind, because I always manage to find the humor in a bad situation.

But at a get together one night, a friend's husband asked me, "So Chloe, any new bad date stories to tell us since the last time we saw you and you went out with the coke head?" I thought to myself, is this all I'm good for, entertainment??? I was still happy to make my friends laugh, but I was starting to bore myself after telling these stories to different groups of friends. I mean, it's good to laugh and feels even better to make others laugh, but it was time to streamline the process!

Then, Julie & Julia came out. Yes, I'm sure that movie inspired thousands, if not millions, to start blogging, and I am one of the masses. I admit it. I'll also admit that before I started writing my own blog, my experience with blogs was limited to gossip and the occasional NY Times blog.

I kicked the idea around for a few days...how many other women have bad date experiences, but need help finding the humor? If I share my stories, maybe others will have a different perspective of theirs...? If my friends find these stories funny, why not share the laughs?

So I started writing, and I realized I really, really love it! I asked myself every day for those first few weeks, why didn't I start this years ago??? Is anyone reading? Does anyone even care???

To my readers, I truly hope I make you laugh once in a while. This is me, thanking you for reading :)

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Is Honesty the Best Policy?

When you're on a first date that is complete dullsville, or maybe it's not a total loss, but you know you don't have any interest in a second, how do you handle it? Do you say you'll call and then just don't? Or do you go the other route and say, "Call me", but then ignore all his follow up calls? Or, do you tell him the truth and say, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not that into you"?

Is it mean, to be so honest? Okay, maybe the last example was too honest, but you get my what I'm saying here.

I have a speech...a first date "Let-Down" speech. It's pretty well-rehearsed by now, and has been fine-tuned over the last few years. It's gentle, kind, but very clear. I believe in respect, honesty, and not wasting anyone's time (mine or theirs). But I'm also not interested in wasting my energy avoiding phone calls or lying to people. It's just not my thing. I only deliver the "speech" as needed, and have learned to be careful with it. I've learned that honesty is a rare, and therefore, very powerful thing!

So it goes something like this: if I'm on a date and just not feeling any cha-cha, I'll stay for 1, maybe 2 drinks max, which should be about an hour or so. I figure that's long enough to be polite, and if he isn't terribly boring or a major asshole, not too much time has been lost. I'm in sales, so I can pretty much talk to anybody. Plus, I find people interesting, so sometimes it can be quite entertaining, and I can almost always find a reason to laugh!

After a fair amount of time has passed, I'll start winding it down, saying that I need to be getting home and that it's a busy week for me so I can't be out late (usually pretty true on a school night, I ALWAYS schedule first dates on school nights so there is an automatic exit strategy). As we walk out of the bar, restaurant, or wherever, if, and only if he starts to allude to a second date, like, "This was fun, we should do this again sometime..." Then I feel it's only fair to not play games and be honest with him, so I deliver my speech, and it goes something like this:

"I had very a nice time talking and getting to know you tonight, thank you so much. I definitely would want to hang out again as friends, but I just don't think there is any chemistry here, I'm sorry."

Is that too harsh? You'd be surprised at some of the reactions I've gotten.

One guy, let's call him Dragon Breath, practically ran into traffic to get away from me after the speech because he was so shocked. I have to admit, it wasn't exactly an Academy Award winning performance, but he had MAJOR dragon breath, and he was going in for a kiss, so I totally panicked and kind of just blurted it out. I couldn't help it, it was a knee-jerk reaction, really! It was either that, or let him kiss me and puke all over him, it was THAT BAD!!!

Next time I'm in a similar situation, I'll tell him I don't kiss on the first date, and THEN deliver the speech, would that be better?

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Do I Have a White-Boy Fetish?

As I've mentioned in The Gynecologist's Advice and in The White Knight, I don't really date Asian men. I'm just not attracted to them, I can't help it. Plus, much to my mother's dismay, other than the ones I'm related to, I don't know any. What is a girl to do?

It was back in college when I somehow lost my attraction to Asian men. How does that happen? Did I forget it somewhere, like in the university library, when I re-shelved that copy of Deviant Psychology? Or maybe someone borrowed it with my Psychedelic Furs CD and never gave it back...? Or was I robbed?

Not that I'm sad about it, but my Mom sure is. She wonders what I have against Chinese men, and thinks it's an insult, like I think they're not good enough for me or something. Sorry Mom, but I've tried. You just can't force these things.

It's not like I can control who I'm attracted to. I just don't look at an Asian man and think, "oh baby". And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. So does that mean I have a white-boy fetish???

There are many terms for men who have an Asian fetish - Rice Queen (I know, that only applies to gay men, but it's soooo much funnier than the term Rice King), Yellow Fever, Rice Lover, Asiaphile (I found that one in Wikipedia)...none very flattering. Christ, is there a term for those of us who exclusively date White boys? And is ours a fetish, or simply a preference?

Amongst the few Asians I do know, very few of us would date a White boy who only dates Asians. It's just creepy. You never know if they want you for you, or for the fantasy. You know what fantasy I'm talking about. The quiet, submissive, Geisha-girl, laugh oh-so-politely-behind-your-hand laugh, and never talk back. That is NOT me. I love to laugh out loud, and I will talk back. I am quite the antithesis of my China doll appearance, and while I do embrace my feminine side, I am extremely independent. I simply don't fit the expectations...or the fantasy, if you will.

I bumped into an ex a few weeks ago while having dinner at Japonais with a friend. Apparently he was on an eHarmony date, which was funny, because the last time I bumped into him, I think he was on his way to a Match date. A few days later, I was on the phone with a girlfriend we each still keep in touch with, and mentioned bumping into him. She asked me if his date was Chinese, which I didn't know, but of course I had to ask why. I wish I hadn't, because it seems since we broke up nearly 10 years ago, he has almost exclusively dated Asians. Now THAT is creepy.

Ah well, to each his own, right? At least I can say I was the first!

So what's wrong with me? Maybe something in my brain is just wired differently...

It's time to crawl into bed, so I think I'm going to stop analyzing it and just love me (and my preferences) as I am!

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The White Knight

We all have a list of things we look for in a boyfriend. Smart, funny, good-looking, motivated, attentive, healthy, no Mommy-issues, financially stable (no more deadbeats for me), honest, blah blah blah. I'm not sure what is on men's list, but I guess the basics are about the same, right? Most women I've talked to have very similar lists, but there is one trait not a single person has mentioned, and it honestly has never even crossed my mind until today.

As I was discussing "checklists" with a friend earlier today, he asked me: When you are dating someone, is there an expectation that they will be able to protect you?

It's a really good question. In all the times I've thought about what I look for in a man, I have never specifically asked for a big, strong man. But don't we all look for that in some form or another? I have a habit of dating men who have served in the Armed Forces - my last boyfriend was a fighter pilot in the Israeli Air Force. So, is it just assumed that we look for it? Is it taboo for a modern girl to say it aloud?

Aren't we all looking for a knight in shining armor?

In spite of never having specified strength and brawn, I have referred to it in conversation on occasion. Last year, a few girls and I were at R Bar, and this drunk-ass girl picked a fight with my friend's boyfriend. Being drunk himself, he got in her face, she started pushing him, it wasn't pretty. My girlfriend calmed her boyfriend down, but the drunk girl's boyfriend (who happened to be Asian), did absolutely nothing. He didn't stand up for her, he didn't get in the middle and try to protect her, he just stood by, and let her pick a fight and come close to blows with a man. It was pathetic - I turned to another friend, and said that what just happened is yet another reason I don't date Asian men. I know it's a stereotype, but I can't help it, Asian men just don't convey strength and the illusion of protector.

But I digress...Look at what we've done in the last few decades, ladies - we've gone through the sexual freedom of the 60's, the feminist 70's, the power-suited working girls of the 80's, and onto the late 90's, which gave us Sex & the City. In this day and age, we have been conditioned to be independent, self-sufficient, and confident. We can have it all, but are we allowed to be vulnerable at the same time? Do we need someone to protect us from the Big Bad Wolf? I sure as hell do.

I don't consider myself to be a feminist. I'm pretty sure the women in my circle believe in the strength, beauty and power of women, but would not call themselves feminists either. No, we're definitely not feminists. But we're not allowed to be vulnerable either. We have been taught that vulnerable = weak. And weak just doesn't work in this city.

Having lived alone for close to a decade, I can take care of my bills, have disposable income to play with, am perfectly capable of fixing my toilet and can caulk like nobody's business. But at the end of the day, I am looking for someone who will watch over me.

While I don't want someone who is aggressive, I do want a man who will stand up for me, and when I think about it, I do watch for cues that will make me feel safe when I am out on a date, like as we cross the street, does he walk on the side of oncoming traffic? Does he look out for the sidewalk grills when I'm wearing heels? If we pass a rowdy group of men, would he put himself between us as we walk by?

What do you think? Am I old-fashioned? What do you look for in a partner? Would you shun a man who wants to be your knight in shining armor?

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Fortune Cookie 9.21.2009

Fortune Cookie of the day:
"Simplify"

I love it! It's only one word, but it speaks volumes. Simplify.

Fall is upon us, and it's time to clean out my closets - literally and figuratively. This is the time of year we start to clear the clutter and lighten the load. I love that feeling I get when I ruthlessly tear through my closet and the donation pile gets larger and larger. If I haven't worn it in a year, out it goes. Those books I have no intention of ever reading again? Do a book exchange with a friend, or put it in the donation pile. DVD's I never watch? Leave them in the basement for the neighbors to benefit from. All the stuff that accumulates in the junk drawer? Garbage! Old papers? Shred and recycle.

And that extends to life as well. Those "friends" I wrote about a few weeks ago who do nothing but pollute and spread their negativity? I'm sorry, but it's time to let go, or at least to put a lot of space between us. I wish you the best and will support you with as much positive energy as I can provide...from afar.

I want a fresh, clean slate for my next adventure. I'd like to make room for my spirit and heart to grow, a clear path for my mind to explore and play! If you're consumed with clutter, how else will you know what you desire in life?

Simplify!

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Potential Jesus Freak, Part II

We left off the other day at the end of my first date with the Potential Jesus Freak. Honestly, in spite of the premature revelation about his love of God, I had a good time. He made me laugh, conversation flowed easily, he seemed fun!

After our date, we continued to talk and email, getting to know one another. This whole experience taught me it really IS good to take your time getting to know someone. No more rushing into things, especially into bed, for me. Date #2 was that...interesting!

We went out to dinner for our second date, and it was nice. Again, great conversation, good food. The after-dinner conversation, however, was a whole other story. As soon as we walked out of the resto, we started walking around and the first thing he asked me was, "So Chloe, tell me something about yourself I don't already know."

I stood there, thinking to myself, was that a real question??? What does he need to know RIGHT NOW that he can't learn naturally over the course of time? I was stumped. I hate questions like that - the questioner tries to make it seem spontaneous but they're really not. So I'm wracking my brain, trying to think of something, anything that's not a stupid mundane or routine factoid. And the only thing I can think of is, "Well...I did a lot of partying and drugs in my early 20's, therefore I don't remember most of that period of my life, but I can confidently say I had a lot of fun"?

(Yes, this is what comes out of my mouth when put on the spot and asked stupid questions like that.)

Him: Oh, okay...and where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Now I'm starting to feel all the fun sucked out of me and getting kind of annoyed. This was starting to feel like a job interview. I know some people approach dating that way, but I don't. I think of a date as a chance to go out with someone new, have a good time, and at the same time, get to know each other. But the ultimate goal of the night should be FUN, not to run through a checklist of questions. I thought these must be his standard second date questions, and was wondering when he was going to hand me my sealed test packet and #2 pencil. Is the whole test comprised of essay questions, or will there be multiple choice too?

And who asks that question, anyway? I guess I'm more of a live for the day kind of person. I don't even know where I'll be 10 days from now, much less 10 years! But again, this is why you should never shit where you eat. I couldn't blow him off because he was a client, so the utmost diplomacy had to be employed here.

Me: Well, I guess I'm not really much of a planner, so who knows where I'll be 10 years from now. All I can say is I'll probably still be living here in the city, because I don't want to live anywhere else. Hopefully I'll be a little more settled, and hopefully a little bit smarter.

Him: What do you mean by settled?

Me: (Barely disguised rolling eyes) Well, I don't want to live in a studio apartment forever, so I'd like a bigger apartment.

Him: Does bigger apartment mean settled to you???

Me: Of course it's a part of it. I would hope to be with someone down the line and therefore need a bigger apartment. Do I want to settle down? Of course, eventually. But only with the right man. I'm not going to settle with someone just to be married and have kids because it's what's "supposed" to happen.

Him: And what did you mean by smarter?

Me: (Jesus Christ, is he taking notes???) Well, hopefully you learn something new every day, and if I'm still alive 10 years from now, hopefully I will have retained some of the lessons I've learned along the way! (Like never to go out with you again after tonight!!!)

Him: So what do you pursue in life, Chloe?

Me: (Now I'm really losing my patience) *sigh* That's a very broad question, what do you mean?

Him: Well it's your life, what do you pursue?!

Me: Oh God...I pursue lots of things. Let's see...I pursue...money. I pursue career growth. I pursue good relationships, whether it's with friends, family, what-have-you. I pursue...fun...and I pursue enlightenment.

Him: And what does enlightenment mean to you?

AHA!!! There was my window to make sure he would NEVER want to ask me on another date again!

Me: Well, as a non-religious person who doesn't believe in organized religion at all...To me, enlightenment means awareness of self, the universe, and having awareness of how those energies correlate to one another. While I don't believe in God, I am spiritual. I do believe there is a higher being or maybe even beings out there. And if there is a God and he's omnipotent like religions say he is, then he knew I would be secular, so he should be okay with it. I don't think he'd care if l'il ole me in this whole entire universe decided not to pray or go to church to worship him or her. I'm pretty sure there are other things going on out there.

Him: But you have to agree there is sin. And that there needs to be forgiveness of sin. I think God requires a personal relationship with each and every one of us.

Me: No, I don't believe in the concept of sin, or confession. I believe in being a good person and think of life in terms of right and wrong, and if you have wronged, you only need to ask yourself and the party or parties you've wronged for forgiveness. As long as you've asked them for forgiveness, the rest is about how you reconcile within yourself, the universe as a whole, and whatever energy you put out there to the world.

Him: And what would enlightenment mean to you if you were religious?

Me: (He just DOESNT give up, does he?) I can't answer that question.

Him: Why not?

Me: Because I'm NOT religious. I would never even attempt to assume to know what enlightenment meant to a religious person. I don't believe in God. I don't believe in organized religion. I think organized religion was created to control people through fear and judgement. I think religion is the cause of almost all our wars. I don't equate enlightenment with religion, I can't answer that question for you.

At this point, I was really tired of the Spanish Inquisition and didn't feel like talking anymore. I figured it's time for him to answer a question or two, to give me a break from talking so I can figure out how I can bow out gracefully and go home to do something fun, like laundry.

Me: So what about you, what do you pursue in life?

Him: Well, I pursue one thing and one thing only. Everything else in my life just supports that one thing.

So this is how NON-religious I am, I was thinking he's going to say true love...maybe family...or even possibly career. No. Of course none of those answers were right, dumb-ass.

Him: ...And that one thing is God.

Me: (HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. Is he serious??? Don't make a face, don't run, keep him talking so you can keep thinking about how to get the hell out of here! How the hell did this guy get on the island of Manhattan? Who talks like this here???) Wow...really...huh...and...how does pursuing job promotions and advancement in your career help you with your pursuit of God?

My mind was reeling. In hindsight, I know I should have expected that answer, but I'll admit, I was dumb. That answer REALLY threw me off guard! I honestly don't even know what his response was because I was in such shock. I just kept hmm-mmm-ing and nodding at random intervals, which I guess worked because he kept talking and talking.

At this point I wasn't sure if I was doing a good job of quelling his interest or not. Did he think he could try to save my soul, and deliver me to his Lord and Saviour??? I just wanted to go home and put this behind me. So I started yawning. And yawned some more. Conversation about religion and my non-religiousness continued, so I got desperate and actually told him I'm more likely to believe the evidence and theories that aliens dropped off our ancestors in Egypt to populate the world than I believe in the story of Adam and Eve. Yes, I basically told him I would be willing to be a Scientologist. Have you seen that show Ancient Aliens on the History Channel? Very interesting and compelling theories!

That emphatic statement, coupled with all my yawning finally did the trick. He asked me if I was tired, gave me a hug, hailed me a cab and I was on my way home. He didn't send me the standard follow up text, never called to say he had a good time, thank God (if there is a God). And a week later, I started working with his counterpart at the client site instead of him. Thankfully he was a mature adult and we were friendly, but nothing more. Phew! Could you imagine if we had actually kissed or something? YUCK.

That was an extremely painful reminder that one should never shit where they eat. Lesson re-learned! I will never, ever, EVER go out with a client again!!!

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