The Gynecologist's Advice

This morning, I went to see my gynecologist for my annual checkup, and while I was there, I got way more than just a Pap smear and a grope.

The morning's adventure started like it normally does. I got to the doctor's office, checked in, sat down in the waiting room which was FILLED with pregnant women and their husbands. Seriously, I was the only non-preggers female in the room (and possibly one of the few in all of NYC). I filled out my paperwork, waited patiently for my turn to sit in the exam room, waiting in that ugly blue-green gown, opened in front, completely naked underneath.

My doc didn't keep me waiting long, thankfully, considering how much fun it is sitting in those cold rooms practically naked. We made the usual conversation, I assured her I haven't had any issues in the last year, and we started my exam. I was scared she was going to tell me it was time to go for my first mammogram, but luckily she didn't bring it up. So I stuck my feet in the stirrups, scooted my butt down to the end of the table, and she started doing her thing with the metal thingy and scraping away for the smear.

As she was down there, she asked, "So Chloe, are you dating anyone right now?" And considering she does need to know what's going on down there, I admit, "Umm...no one special right now, no."

"No?" she asks again.

"No, my ex and I broke up a few months ago, he decided to move back to Israel and I wasn't part of that plan." I inform her.

Why am I telling her this???

"You know, no matter what they say, Jewish men will always end up with their own. Trust me, I've been there. But it's time to get moving, you're starting to lose time!"

Excuse me??? This is what I came here for? I thought I was here to make sure my health is in order?

"Yes, I know...it's not easy finding good guys in NY, unfortunately. And for whatever reason, I'm not attracted to Asian men."

Again, why was I telling her this???? I know I was in a vulnerable position, but seriously?!

"You don't have to marry an Asian, I didn't. But believe me, stay away from Jews, they'll never marry you."

Thanks for the advice, lady. Can you just do whatever you need to do down there, feel up my boobs and spare me the reminder that my eggs are getting old? This is a lecture I expect from my mom, NOT my gynecologist, especially when she's got her hand up my you-know-what!

I should have kicked her in the head while she was down there.

Or...asked if she knew any cute, single doctors!!!

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Fortune Cookie 8.30.2009

Fortune cookie of the day:

"The longest journey is the journey inwards."

Wow...very deep for a fortune cookie, but so true! Should this one have started, "Confucius says..."?

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When Dreams Come True

One of my sister's childhood friends just got engaged. You would think this would be the most exciting time of her early adult life, but she's not exactly thrilled. He proposed on her 30th birthday, before thousands during the fireworks display at Disney World, which I guess is just a tiny bit of pressure.

When she announced the engagement to my sister, she wasn't wearing the ring. She fished it out of her purse, in a Ziplock baggie. Hmm..maybe it's just me, but that's not exactly a good sign. So, why isn't she excited?

They had never discussed marriage before, so the proposal was completely out of the blue. When they got back to New York, she asked him why. His great, romantic answer was, "Well, if it was my choice, I wouldn't be engaged at the age of 27, but you're not getting any younger, so I figured why not now."

Wow...this guy is a catch!

Wait, so let's bottom-line the situation here. His main reason for marrying her is because he thinks she's getting to be an old maid, therefore he has no choice. Yes...he is a winner, all right! And I guess she is too, because she didn't tell him to shove it.

What is going on here? What strong, intelligent, independent woman in her right mind would stay with a man who's reason for getting married is, "Because you're an old maid"?

Where is the passion, the love, the "You're the love of my life, I can't live without you. Please marry me and grow old with me"?

Why do people date and get married? I suppose there are those who do it to get out of this great circus we call dating, some do it for money or even a green card...some so they'll have a baby-daddy, and some actually do it for true love.

Tell me, what does a marriage make?

We're not sure what has happened in the last week, but as of now, the engagement is still on. My sister, fabulous friend that she is, has pledged to stick by her girl through the engagement, the marriage, and also for the divorce. Any bets on how long this one will last?

Sigh...I have to admit, it's stories like this that make me glad I'm single. I want deep, passionate, free-falling love. I want to grow old with someone that will be with me through the good and the bad, who will be my greatest champion, my partner in crime...someone to play with, and laugh over stories like this with! Someone who will love me for my craziness, will always know exactly when I need a hug, and who will love me in spite of the fact that I get irritable when I'm hungry, grumpy when I'm tired, and not exactly rational when I'm pms-ing!

Now that, my friends, is the kind of love that happens when dreams come true!

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13 Reasons She Doesn't Want A Second Date | The Frisky

13 Reasons She Doesn't Want A Second Date | The Frisky

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The S Factor Bruise

I am bruised, battered, and am on cloud nine! After much delay, I finally made it back to S Factor class, thereby concluding my 6-month break from pole dancing!

Ahhh bruises...words can't express how much I have missed you! My knees...are a good, solid PURPLE. My right wrist...bright red and incredibly swollen. My ribs, my calves, the top of my right foot, the inside of my bicep...all battered!

Why do I put myself through such pain and torture, you ask?

FREEDOM

To let go and feel like a kid again! Do you remember how it felt to push your swing as high as you dared? How thrilling and daring it felt to hang upside down on the monkey bars?

We flew, spun, and danced around the poles. I flipped and swung myself upside down (look Ma, no hands)! I pranced and floated in mindless bliss. During class, I felt nothing but the breeze playing with my skin, my hair on my skin, the music moving me. Sanctuary.

I know I'm going to be incredibly sore tomorrow, but that won't stop me. I already feel like my right arm is going to fall off, but I'm going back for more!

There is pain, but it comes with immense satisfaction and pleasure. Ladies, I cannot recommend a better workout. It's fun and sexy. It's freeing and empowering! It will change your body and strengthen muscles you never knew you had. When I first began this journey, I never thought I would be able to climb 10+ feet in the air, flip myself upside down, slide down without hands...who woulda thunk???

Yes the bruises hurt, but no pain, no fucking gain.

You know how getting a tattoo hurts but feels good at the same time? 'nuff said.

Thank you S, I'll see you next week!

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Uncle Tumor, Part II

EEEWWWWWWW!!!!!! I just ran into Uncle Tumor in the neighborhood!!!

THANK GOD he didn't see me! I looked him right in the face, in preparation, and he didn't even blink!

Good thing most people don't notice a goddamn thing in this city when they're walking down the street!!! But just in case...do I need to look into moving out of this neighborhood?!

If you haven't already read about my dalliance with Uncle Tumor, check it out!

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When Does a Carat Become a Rock?

I was IM'ing with one of my favorite tech guys at our satellite office earlier today. He's a young twenty-something living way, way upstate, and has recently become engaged. He was so adorable and excited when he was planning the ring and the proposal, as he should have been! He proposed while they were vacationing in London (my favorite city other than NYC), and of course she said yes! The ring is a nice quality .76 carat, heart shaped, and she loved it. Which is all that matters, right?

Anyway, he was telling me about their trip home last weekend to see her parents and to show them the ring. He says to me, "It was kind of embarrassing." Now being the typical, slightly materialistic NYer, I'm thinking it's because he was afraid the diamond was too small, but then he says, "Because here I am, bringing her home wearing a ROCK."

...Huh?

He explained to me that she comes from a small town an hour or so outside of Boston, and all the women in her family sport about .25 carat rings.

HUH????

I have earrings bigger than that!

Once I managed to get over my shock, the whole conversation got me thinking: When does a carat become a rock???

I never gave much thought to carat size before. I guess I take it for granted, isn't that terrible? I do realize that yes, there is a correlation between age and size. Income and size, also yes. I don't want to sound like a hoity-toity, high-maintenance pain in the ass, but I thought the average in NYC is about 2 carats, 3 if he makes sick money. But I guess that's a generally metropolitan norm...?

So, why are our engagement rings so big here in the city, and why/when did that become the norm? They certainly weren't that big in our parent's generation. True, many upgrade at major anniversaries, but that's different - the kids are gone, college is more or less paid for, they can start spending on themselves again.

I've been conducting an informal poll since my IM conversation. Here in NY, amongst professionals, the average seems to be 2 to 2.5 carats, around 1 carat if they're younger or not very advanced in their career. Seattle is about 1.5 carats on average. LA...forget about them, it's Hollywood over there! While conducting my research, one girlfriend commented that the large diamond phenomenon is very specifically American and that she never saw such large diamond rings until she moved here from the UK. And then I realized...of all my friends who live in Europe, none of them even wear engagement rings, just wedding bands.

What is wrong with us??? Why is it so important? With today's divorce rates, I think we can safely say that diamond size has absolutely no relation to the amount of love two people share or whether the marriage will last or not. I mean, if I ever meet Mr. Right, and he proposes with some nicely-sized bling-bling, I'm obviously not going to say, "I do, but please replace this with something smaller". Also, I wouldn't feel less loved if it's not ginormous, but, am I big enough to be okay with less than a carat...?

What do you think about all this??? Is there such a thing as too big? What is our obsession with bling? And lastly, when does a carat become a rock?

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Fortune Cookie 8.24.2009

Fortune Cookie of the day:

"Your exotic ideas lead you to many exciting, new adventures!"

Great one, even without adding "in bed" to the end!

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The Canadian

I got a text from an old flame last night, which was a pleasant surprise. We've known each other for nearly 20 years now (holy shit, has it been THAT long???), and while we don't keep in touch regularly, I do hear from him once in a blue moon.

He's Canadian, so when we were kids, we only saw each other about two or three times a year, when he came to visit family. We had a silly, childish flirtation that began the day we met, but one of us was always in a relationship whenever the other was single. Ten years later, we were finally both single at the same time, and he was going to be in town for a few days. I had just moved into my very own place in the city, and was feeling very grown up and cosmopolitan. Hmm...whatever was a girl to do?

I'm a lady now that I'm in my thirties, so I'll spare you the gory details of that fatal night, but let's just say that after 10 years of build-up, the earth did not shake. AT ALL. Well, not for me anyway. If I had to rate it, it would probably be down there at the bottom of the list. I'm sorry, but someone has to take that bottom slot, right? I'm sure I've been at the bottom of someone's list at some point!

I guess I faked it well enough, because last year he was in town for a few days, and we met for dinner. Towards dessert, he brought up that night with great fondness and wistfulness. I couldn't believe he still thought about it after all these years, because I certainly don't. In fact, I'll pretty much do anything not to!

So last night, he text me to let me know he's coming to town again, and is wondering if he has a place to stay. Sure, I reply, my couch is very comfy (even if it had been good, I am a lady now). He thought I was being coy and asked if that was negotiable, as he was hoping for a "Chloe visit".

(Yes, those were his words exactly.)

Seriously? What am I, a ride at Disney World?????

Did he really think that would make me swoon and grant him entry into my bed, much less my pants???

What has happened to the art of courtship and wooing women? Where have men learned that this is acceptable?

Men, listen up: we want to be complimented, made to laugh, made to feel special and beautiful. We want to be courted...gracefully, respectfully and skillfully, not hit over the head with a club and dragged off to bed! Come on, put some effort, finesse and courtesy into it, for crying out loud!

I don't believe in playing games, but dating and seduction between two people IS a delicate dance. Push too hard or too fast, and your partner will trip and fall. But if you move to the rhythm, keep your partner on their toes, and sweep them off their feet once in a while...now THAT makes for a fun dance. It's that simple!

Oh, one last thing - have some integrity, too. The Canadian's FB page still says he's in a relationship. Granted, he might not be and just hasn't updated it yet, but still...!

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Fortune Cookie 8.21.2009

Fortune cookie of the day:

"Mistakes show us what we need to learn."

I love it - what a great way to change your perspective about fucking up!

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Mastering the Top

Bravo finally got it right in the end!

Aside from the amazing finished products the master chefs put out all season, I thought Top Chef Masters was a major snooze-fest. I just watched last night's finale on dv-r, and I am seriously regretting my dinner of homemade maryland crab soup and tater tots (it totally sucks when you forget to stop at the market after the gym and have to resort to the first thing you see in the freezer!).

I'm dying for just a taste of Hubert's lamb, beef, pork and potato stew...Michael Chiarello's duo of gnocchi, his polenta dish with rabbit and duck and his braised short ribs all looked so amazing, I would be happy if I could even get close enough for a whiff! And while I'm not a huge fan of Mexican food, I would love to experience Rick Bayless' dishes just to get a taste of his zeal for food and flavors. God, this show made me hungry!

And btw, I am soooooo in love with Michael Chiarello, in addition to his food. Time to get my ass to Napa!!!!

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Hoover

A coworker mentioned some time ago that she wanted to fix me up with a friend of hers. Actually, she started the conversation by saying, "Do you care if they're short?" as I was walking out of her office. Great intro, huh? She kind of likes to cut to the chase, which is why I like her.

Now, I have to admit, I'm feeling a little gun-shy about the whole fix-up thing considering what happened with Uncle Tumor, but I know her pretty well, and she's known him for over 5 years, been on vacations with him and all that. So, why not, right? If you go into it with no expectations, you just might be surprised. The height thing...I had to ask her just how short he is. At 5'3", I'm fairly petite myself, but he can't be too short, right? She estimated 5'8", which isn't too bad, so I'm going to keep an open mind about things, and we'll see.

We had been emailing pretty regularly for a little over a week, and the e-chemistry was great! His emails were witty and funny, he was intelligent...I was really looking forward to meeting him. I figured no matter what, it should be fun!

We met after work at a bar in the Meatpacking District, figuring we could take a walk on the High Line afterward. As I was leaving the office, my coworker warned me that he likes to talk...a lot. Well, not only did he like to talk, he must have been the most elaborately animated person I've ever met in my life! His gesticulations alone were so wild, and he talked so fast, I started to wonder if he was high. But I dismissed that, thinking, "Oh stop, he's just nervous." So I sat back, relaxed myself, and slowed down, hoping he would mirror my behavior, but that didn't work. At all. And then I realized, his eyes are kind of red-rimmed...but he's not really sniffing much or wiping his nose...hmmm....

We finished our drinks and went to the High Line. Not my first time up there, but it was for him. If any of you haven't been, definitely go. It's an amazing accomplishment that has been worth the wait! It's great for a date - you take a nice, romantic, leisurely stroll, and take in the great views. That is, unless one of you is seemingly high as a kite. We practically power-walked that thing. I'm not even joking. We got up there, and the next thing I know, we were at the end in 8 minutes flat. I was shocked, and looking back, I'm not even sure he noticed we were up there!

Next, we had planned to continue our (power) walk to the Frying Pan. But since it was actually decent out, it was packed to the gills. So we kept on (power) walking and talking, and headed to Trestle on Tenth for dinner. Once we got there, he disappeared in the bathroom for a good 20 minutes. I started to wonder if he was hoover-ing that shit up his nose, he was gone so long. Thank god for my iPhone and the fact that I like to take pictures on it (see pic above from their window seat).

We sat down to eat...the food there is absolutely delicious. We ordered the beet salad with blue crab and currants, and steak tartar for apps, then calves' liver with perfectly caramelized onions and halibut with a warm beet salad for dinner. Everything was prepared to perfection and was soooo yummy!!! I love food!!!!!!

Okay, I know I sound more excited about the food than the date right now, but I did have a decent time. I just didn't feel any sparks...and I definitely couldn't see myself shoving my tongue down his throat. But conversation was interesting and fun, in spite of his speedy persona. Conversation flowed pretty well, and meandered from family, to work, to school, to crazy childhood antics, to our lives in NYC. We eventually somehow got to the topic of clubbing in the 90's and drugs...at which point he says to me, "Yeah, I still do coke...but I really need to try to cut it out of my life."

Wait, NEED to TRY???!!! You mean my instincts were right????!!!! Dude, if you have to put it that way, you're not just an occasional user, you flat out do it way too much! Then he started to talk about how when he does it, the night never ends well, he regrets it the next day, and oh yeah, he can't perform when he uses.

Too. Much. Fucking. Info.

Needless to say, when my co-worker asked for details the next day, I simply said nice guy, good time, but no cha-cha. And yes, he was too short.

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Mr. Postman

It's funny how a compliment from a random stranger can be a fairly positive experience or it can totally gross you out.

I was walking down the street earlier today, and passed a postman. I could tell he had noticed me because he definitely was not shy about it. As I walked by, he exclaimed, "Good morning Miss Beautiful! God bless America!!!"

Thank you very much, Mr. Postman...I'm not sure what my looks has to do with your patriotism, but I guess I'm glad I could help you raise your flag!

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Fortune Cookie 8.16.2009

Fortune cookie of the night:

"You will receive some high prize or award."

That was lame. Whatever happened to the ones that started, "Confucius says...blah, blah, blah." ???

Meh, fuck it. At least this one is funny when you add, "in bed" to the end!

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Just Dance

All it takes is a night of dancing with reckless abandon to make the world right. Shut the world out, forget your cares, feel the beat moving through your body. Don't give a shit who's watching, what they think, whether you look good. Just... feel it.

A bunch of us went dancing last night, and I'm still buzzing with the energy of the night! I don't think about needs or wants when I'm dancing, nothing else exists, not even thought.

There's no other way for me to explain how important movement is to me and my being, and I hope/wish it does this for others too. I truly believe all women are born with it, perhaps it just needs to be refined and cultivated in some. The ecstasy that comes with it, that natural high... what more could you ask for to heal, to make things right... Just Dance.

Yesterday, I decided it's high time to go back to S Factor. I miss the feel of the pole in my hand - dancing, spinning, flying around it, and letting go of absolutely everything in the sanctuary of the dance studio. The curve of a woman's body makes the movement so natural. Can't wait to JUST DANCE. It's my version of church, people. It's that deep.

My first class back is a week from tomorrow, and it can't come soon enough. Stay tuned!!!

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Get a room

As I walked to work this morning, I cut through the parking garage across the street, like I do every day, minding my own business. Then, off to the side, I noticed a couple having a serious conversation.

The look on her face made me take a mental pause...What are they talking about? It doesn't look like a fight, she's just listening and looks upset...Is he breaking up with her? If he is breaking up with her, couldn't he find a more appropriate, private spot to do it? Not in the middle of a public parking lot, for chrissakes!

I've been seeing people on the street here and there lately, one person crying but trying to keep it together, the other walking silently - sometimes supportive, or otherwise indifferent. I'm all for letting people be, but at what point should the other person say, hey, let's go somewhere private, or at least quieter, and you can feel what you need to feel, do what you need to do... say what you need to say?

Or maybe I should just mind my own damn business.

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Naturally

I love, love, LOVE this NY Mag post!

Hurray to these brave, albeit naturally gorgeous women for being brave enough to be photographed sans makeup and minimal airbrushing!

Kudos to Harper's Bazaar and Peter Lindbergh for the story and putting it out there! We should all feel this beautiful and confident au naturale...!

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Fortune Cookie 8.12.2009

Got this fortune cookie tonight:

"You will have good luck and overcome many hardships"

Um...thanks, but wtf's going to happen???!!!

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Uncle Tumor

One day a few weeks ago, a friend, M, said he knows someone he thinks would like me, would I be interested in being fixed up? I've never been set up before, so why not? A pre-screened date can't be that bad, right? He's about my age, has been living in the States about 6 years now, self employed, sounds pretty good so far.

He saw my pic, I saw his...Not quite my type, but pictures can be tricky. We all went out for dim sum, and M invited his friend, Tomer. He was better looking than his pictures, but still not quite my type. Regardless, he was nice, decent sense of humor, seemed intelligent...We exchanged numbers. Oh, and did I mention he lives 3 blocks away from me? I thought it might be a little too close for comfort, but also might be good for, well you know...

Long story short, Tomer had a tendency to say "Let's do something Friday night, I'll call you", disappear, then text me 15 minutes before he wanted to meet up. Seriously? I'm sorry, but while my dance card isn't completely full, if I haven't heard from you by that morning or afternoon, I'm making other plans. It's inconsiderate to expect me to wait around for you to confirm. He also liked to call himself "Uncle Tomer", which really, really skeeved me out. Can't you just hear "Hey little girl, do you want some candy? Come here and sit on your Uncle Tomer's lap" in the background???? YUCK

After about 2 weeks of attempted last minute meet-ups, I just wanted to have coffee with him as a courtesy to M and be done with it. We finally agree to meet on Sunday.

Maybe I was hormonal, but "Uncle Tomer" texted me at 3am Sunday morning: "Hi Chloe, you're probably sleeping, I hope you had a good evening. Call me when you wake up and we can meet for coffee or brunch" Are you kidding me?! I realize if I hadn't been totally grossed out by the whole "Uncle Tomer" thing, it could have been sweet, but I don't like being woken up for nonsensical shit from people I don't know.

I text him the next morning to let him know I got his text, yes, I had been sleeping, and to kindly say that I think he's nice, but I think our schedules and lifestyles are not a good match. Sorry and good luck. The following text exchange ensued:

Tomer: R u mad?

Chloe: No, I just really don't think we're a good match.

T: But you didn't give me a chance.

T: Besides, we live so close, we can make this work.

(Really? That's your rationale for going out with me? Sweet.)

C: I'm sorry you feel that way, but I really don't think we're a good fit. Besides, proximity has nothing to do with whether things would work out. Take care.

T: But remember I text you and you couldn't go out because you made other plans...blah blah blah....

C: (IGNORE)

T: Besides, at the end of the day, it's the man who pays for dinner, so you should give him a chance otherwise you'll stay single forever!

O-kay, Uncle Tumor! Thanks for confirming why I shouldn't go out with you, NEXT!

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Comedy Sketch

It's funny when a comedy sketch you've seen actually happens to you. I know I've seen this sketch, so I'll bet this has happened to other women around the world...To those of us who have achieved a certain modicum of success, who are independent, self-sufficient, and who enjoy a little pampering occasionally. Tonight, I treated myself to a mani and pedi at my usual spot. I haven't been there in a month or so, and my usual lady was busy with another woman. No big deal, the owner said she'd take me. I think she needed a break from fighting with her husband, who always sits in the corner, reading the Korean newspaper.

I sat at the pedicure station, relaxing...She starts asking me the typical questions that get asked when you're getting your nails done: "Were you born here?", "Where do you live?", "What do you do?", blah, blah, blah. She eventually asked my age, and was genuinely shocked and speechless when I told her I'm in my mid-thirties. I know I don't look my age, but the speechless part was a nice touch, so I make a mental note to up her tip a bit. However, once she got over her shock and picked her jaw up off the floor, her very next question was, "Why you no married???"

Mental note to self: tip just went waaaayyyyy down, lady.

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