Beware of The Repeaters!!!

The way some people approach online dating thing absolutely boggles my mind. Yes, I'm back in the saddle again. I figure it's time - I want to find someone to share my life with, and I'm just not meeting anyone out there, you know?

So I reactivated my account, did a little search, and let me tell you...slim pickings. Oye. I haven't been that active, but as a woman in the online dating world, you don't really have to do much work. Post your profile and a pic, and the emails and winks will come. You won't necessarily always like what you see, but weed through it all and you never know. Hey, it worked for me last time, right?

But what amazes me is how many repeaters I've been getting. I mean, if I didn't want to talk to you or go out with you before, what makes you think I would this time around??? I wonder if they know they're repeats. I mean, if I remember their picture, wouldn't they...?

Unfortunately, some of them do remember. For example, I once went on a date with a guy I met online, and it was by far one of the worst dates ever. This guy had to have been one of the most narcissistic, self-absorbed men I've ever met in my life. I have no proof of this, but he just seemed like one of those guys who was always checking himself out in the mirror and blowing himself little kisses. I realize it all must have been a mechanism to mask deep insecurity, but that's an issue for his therapist to resolve.

The dinner started off pleasant enough, but as it progressed, he dominated the conversation with talk of himself, his Mercedes, his apartments, his businesses and how they were nothing until he came on board, etc. It was excruciating. He did pause on occasion, but only to ask, "That's impressive, right?" or, "That's a lot of money, right?". And he asked those questions more than once!

Needless to say, as we were saying good bye and he asked for a second date, I gave him my famous, "I'm sorry, you're very nice but I don't think there's any chemistry here" speech. He didn't take it very well once he got over his shock and as I sped away in my cab. He blew up my phone with texts telling me that I really know how to make a guy feel good about himself and stuff like that. I tried ignoring them, but he just kept texting, so I finally told him I was very sorry he felt that way, and while I did enjoy talking to him, I would rather be honest than waste his time. Of course the jackass had to have the last word so he replied and said, "You're right, there wasn't any chemistry, I felt it." Whatever, dude.

So imagine my surprise when here we are over two years later, and I suddenly get an email via the dating site that says in the subject, "How is Zoe?" and in the body of the message, one of those "long time no speak, let's go out sometime" emails. I clicked on the profile to see who in the world it was and how he knew my beloved dog, Zoe, and OH MY GOD. It was him...The Narcissist. I couldn't believe it. What in the world made him think I would want to speak with him, let alone go out with him again??? Talk about delusional! I didn't even bother replying, just deleted the message, and hoped he would get the message.

Apparently not. A week later, I got a follow up email, asking me, "Why the ignore???"

DELETED and BLOCKED!

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The Therapy Session

I had an interesting date tonight...to say the least. It was...um...entertaining. Hehe

It was my first totally blind date, luckily, he was a good looking guy! A little older, 44, but he was in great shape, had all his hair, he was funny and seemed nice. We spoke on the phone for a bit last night, and had a really good conversation. We got to know each other a little, laughed, made a date for tonight...I was looking forward to it and was excited!

Our reservations were for 8:30 at one of my favorite sushi spots, Kanoyama. If you can get there, GO. The sushi is amazing!!! He showed up almost 20 minutes late, and didn't text me to let me know he was running late until I had text him to let him know I had arrived and was sitting at the bar. Not an ideal start, but whatever.

Since it was a restaurant I was familiar with, he asked that I do the ordering, which I was fine with, but then he proceeded to give me a laundry list of his likes and dislikes. I didn't know how to keep up with it, he just rattled it all off! I was like, well it sounds like you know what you want, so why am I doing the ordering...? We were talking, so I really didn't get to look at the day's menu, but we ordered an app as soon as we sat down, and continued our conversation, menu forgotten. When our app came, he told the waitress to hold on, we'd like to order, and started to eat the appetizer while I had to quickly figure out what to order! I don't know...maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe it's nice to wait until everyone is ready before you begin eating, don't you? Sigh.

He was a nice man, he really was. And very funny. I guess there was just no cha-cha. He talked about his last girlfriend...a lot. He told me how long they dated, how tough the break up was (and they only broke up a month ago, btw), how he loved her but she just wasn't the ONE, why they broke up, etc. He would say she was a wonderful girl and had nothing bad to say about her, and in the next breath say that he's glad they're not together anymore because she's crazy. He told me about his post-divorce transition relationship, how he's looking for love...yes, I was starting to feel like a therapist.

I didn't do much of the talking, now that I look back at the evening. He didn't ask many questions. Maybe he was nervous...? I asked him at one point if he had any pets, and the answer was no, that he's divorced and sharing custody, so he's getting to the point where he wants to be free to do what he wants, but he does think that cats are easier, but that having a dog is like having a down's syndrome baby. People, I was SHOCKED. I didn't know what to say! Who says stuff like that???!!! Even if I wasn't a huge animal lover, isn't that just...offensive????

It was just an odd evening. I did laugh a lot though. I wondered if he had ADHD or something. There were a few times throughout the evening when we were talking about one thing, and just as I was about to start saying something, he would interrupt and make some off-hand comment (almost to himself) about something we had spoken about far earlier in the evening. And each time I said in my head, "am I here???" It was like he wasn't...present.

Like I said, there were some moments that were just weird. Ah well...another funny story to share with you all! ;)

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A New Milestone - Tick Tock

I turned 35 this weekend. I am now officially in my mid-thirties. Next year I will be even closer to my 40's.

Wow.

Thankfully, I still look like I'm in my late twenties. I even got bum-rushed to be carded the night of my birthday (I guess the bouncer thought I was trying to sneak in)! But the fact is, I'm NOT in my 20's, or even early 30's anymore. You're only as old as you feel, right? Thankfully, I feel pretty damn good! And, I'm still young at heart (and hopefully always will be!!!)

But today it suddenly hit me...my eggs are getting old. It hit me hard. I don't know why or where it came from, but that thought just kept popping in my head throughout the day. It was depressing as hell. I realized that in 2 years, the viability of my eggs will be seriously questionable. I know that women today are having babies later and later, but even if I am able to get pregnant a few years from now, the chances of having a baby with Downs syndrome are increased. That's another fact I can't ignore or talk myself out of.

Nothing could get me out of this endless thought cycle today. I thought I was going to start crying...at work! My girlfriend (who is 32 years old) tried to empathize and said we're in the same boat, but we're not. It's not the same when you're 32 - at 32 it's a niggling thought, a fear for the future. At 35, it's a biological and physical reality that is even more amplified when you're single with no decent prospects. The thing that kills me is, I'm only 83% sure I want babies, and I would be perfectly happy to adopt, but this fact, this reality is just THERE.

And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Regardless of how young I still look, as great as I still feel...no matter how well I eat and how good I am to my body and how often I work out, the fact is, I'm aging, and there is a window that is getting smaller and smaller.

Oh sure, I can freeze my eggs, I know that. But even if I go that route now, there's still no guarantee that IVF will work later on. And just because my eggs would be frozen in time doesn't mean my body and I will!

When I was in my 20's and early 30's, I didn't even want kids. The idea of having children actually gave me a physical reaction, and seeing pregnant women walking down the street made me glad it was them and not me. Then one day, I read a book that made me cry. Really, this is how I changed my mind about the whole baby thing. There was a scene in Emily Giffin's "Something Blue", where the main character, who treated her pregnancy as a fabulous modern city girl's fashion accessory, had a scare with the babies. The whole range of emotions she went through - the fear, the relief, and then finally realizing that she felt love for them actually made me want to experience pregnancy and have babies. A fucking chick-lit book did this to me!!! I remember it like it was yesterday, I was reading and crying, and all I could think was, I want to feel this kind of love, I need to experience this!

And here I am today. At least my Mom skipped the "you're not getting any younger" speech this year. Thanks Mom!

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Pardon Me, Have We Gone Out?

About a year ago, girl meets boy, friend gives boy the girl's phone number, boy calls girl and asks her out. We went on what I thought was a really good date - we went for a nice dinner, walked around exploring the neighborhood and talking, stopped for dessert, walked around some more to talk and get to know each other, he gave me a big hug at the end of the night, said he'd call me the next day...and I never heard from him again.

Recently, I bumped into him. And he didn't recognize me. I was shocked. We talked, he did the whole, "it's been a long time..." -thing, and we made small talk, but I swear, by the end of the conversation, I still wasn't sure if he figured out who I was. Am I that forgettable???!!!

It's not like we met on a stupid drunken night and had a quick encounter or a one-night stand. We went on a six hour date!!! I'm trying to not take it personally, but this is definitely a hit to the ego.

Oh well...you can't win them all!

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For Love or Money

I passed a couple on the street today - a lithe, hip, gorgeous 20-something Asian girl on the arm of a 60+ Caucasian gentleman. And he definitely was not her grandpa. I don't get it.

Actually, who am I to judge, right? But seriously, how does that work? You see that walking down the street and it just screams SUGAR DADDY. But for all I know, they have major intellectual/cerebral chemistry. It's possible...right?

I mean, there's someone out there for everyone, so maybe he's her someone and vice versa. There's no explaining chemistry. But then I started to wonder, could I be in a relationship like that? Not likely. Alternatively, could I be in a relationship where I was the breadwinner (again)?

Based on past experience, my knee-jerk reaction is a big, resounding NO. I have no problem being with someone who makes less than me, but significantly less? My experience is that it emasculated my partner, and he started to treat me not so nicely. It sucked. You think that sharing is helping, but it just made the whole situation worse and worse and worse, until it simply broke.

And in hindsight, I get it. It was a whole male ego thing - he felt that being supported by his girlfriend made him less of a man. But what was the alternative? I wanted to stand by my man, and I couldn't stand by and watch him in pain.

Or maybe I should have. I gave and gave, until I had nothing left to give. Emotionally, that is. I spent so much time looking after him and taking care of him and making sure his feelings would be okay, that one day I woke up and realized, who's looking after my needs? Who's making sure I'm okay? I certainly wasn't, and had forgotten that I even had wants and needs that weren't his. It sucked, and it hurt, but I realized I had to focus on myself and get myself out of the hole if I wanted a semblance of a happy life. It felt so selfish, but like I said, even I wasn't looking out for me.

So on the flip side, would I date a sugar daddy? No, even if I could not be an equal contributor, then at least I would need to be a contributor. But I do want babies, and I would love to be able to stay home with them for at least the first few years of their lives. And that's impossible if your partner's income can't support it. Children are expensive. New York is expensive. How do people do it in this city? Yes, you make sacrifices, save up, and budget. Everyone doesn't live a Sex & the City lifestyle, I get it. Money is useless without love. But love without money is...stressful. I've seen my parents go through it...not fun.

Sigh...is it possible to have it all???

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The Battle Between the Sexes Continues

I came across an article today that sheds yet another ray of light on what makes men, well, men. Seems being around a gorgeous woman could be harmful to a man's health!!!

I'd be curious to read the actual statistics behind this study, but according to the University of Valencia, being around a beautiful woman can cause a man to release the stress hormone, cortisol. According to the article, cortisol can be a factor in heart disease, diabetes, erectile dysfunction (oh so that's why it happens sometimes!!!), depression and high blood pressure. So they weren't kidding when they said looks can kill, huh?

Does a beautiful woman make you nervous, gentlemen? Insecure? Hyper-sensitive? Anxious...?

This reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite movies, Beautiful Girls, where Michael Rapaport's character goes on a diatribe about supermodels and beautiful women:

"A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high, full of the single greatest commodity known to man, promise. The promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular ore can be found the gate of a beautiful girl. In her smile, and in her soul...in the way she makes every rotten little thing in life seem like it's gonna be okay."

He goes on to call beautiful girls "hope dancing in stiletto heels, and all-powerful, which is as good as love."

Really??? Is that how men view us? It all seemed so...promising until that last line!

Gentlemen...we are not objects. We are feeling, thinking, vulnerable souls who love and want to be loved. The vulnerable girl inside of me wants to be taken and protected, but I don't want to be on a pedestal like that. I know now that there is no living up to that fantasy. Just...take me and love me. It's as simple as that.

Hmm...it may be time to get back in the dating game again, see if we can find the right dancing partner to glide with me across this dance floor we call earth...

But back to the article, what does a beautiful woman make you feel?

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Time to Say That I Am...Me

I often write about my two halves - my Chinese self, and my American self. Most of my life has been spent trying to figure out which half is guiding me, and honestly, it's been a struggle for me. I've always felt like a woman stuck between two worlds.

I think there has always been the part of me who has felt the need to be "Chinese" enough to please my parents. The need to feel like I have a culture, a heritage. Yet I was raised here, as an American, and as an extremely independent person who embraces uniqueness. I have never quite fit in anyone's mold. Thank God!

And now I wonder...why do I feel this need to question myself? Why has it been so difficult for me to accept myself as I am? Why do I need to see it as a split?

My trip to Bali was a quest for healing, rejuvenation and revelation. And during my quest, I decided to stop questioning it all and just love me as I am. I am simply a whole and complete woman with different layers that make up my complex personality. I do have a heritage, I do have a culture and a history, and I embrace that. But regardless of all that, I am...me. There, I said it!

In the spirit of this new, whole me, I realized that it was time for me to and put my nom de plume back in the closet. So, my readers, the real me is not Chloe, but...Sharon.

Very nice to meet you. :)

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The Girl is Back in Town

Ahhh, vacation...rejuvenating, refreshing, healing, transformative...

I spent the last two weeks on the gorgeous island of Bali, and it was...a life-changing experience, to say the least. I missed you guys, and will be sure to tell you all as soon as I get over this jet-lag headache and can think straight!

For now, a few pics I snapped in my travels...

I was greeted by this large bowl of flowers when I arrived at my hotel...

Everywhere you go, there are gorgeous rice terraces...

Temples in every village...

And offerings for the gods everywhere you look...

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The Big Creepowski

I had dinner with an old girlfriend last night, C. We met about 13 years ago through one of my exes, G (Polish guy, my first true European...one of many!). Obviously, that relationship didn't work out, but the friendship did!

It was one of those early 20's, on-again, off-again, "he has major commitment issues but keeps sucking you back in" relationships. We've all had at least one of those, right? I was young and stupid, what can I say... In the end, we tried to stay friends and I moved on, started dating other guys. Until one fine day, G said he finally realized that he was in love with me and that I should give him another chance because I didn't know what it was like to be in a relationship with him when he really wanted to be in a relationship with me. While that was a very compelling argument in his mind, and I know it's hard to believe I didn't drop to my knees to thank the Lord that he finally, truly wanted to be with me after stringing me along for 3 years, I thought, "been there, done that, have the t-shirt" and decided to pass on that stellar opportunity. He took it like a champ and accused me of dating guys behind his back. Yep, he was a prize!!!

G still lives in the city, and about a year ago, I bumped into him at a restaurant downtown, while he was on an eHarmony date. We exchanged brief pleasantries and went back to our respective dinners. The funny part is, the previous time I bumped into him was on the subway while he was on his way to a date. Just too random and odd for city with millions of people on it. Damn this small island.

Anyways, over dinner last night with C, the latest run-in with my ex came up in the conversation. She asked if his date that night was Asian, which I had no clue, but of course I had to ask why. She told me that since we broke up, he pretty much exclusively dates Asians. Not only that, but whenever he met someone new, he would show C a picture and ask her if she thinks the new girl looks like me.

My jaw dropped. I was, and still am, shocked beyond belief.

Isn't that disturbing and just...wrong on so many levels????

I kind of feel like I'm being stalked without actively being stalked! Or like...if he somehow got hold of my DNA he would have a clone made to "replace" me!

I mean, it's one thing to have a type that you tend to be attracted to, but to actively seek out a doppelganger???!!! It's just...unhealthy!!! And I feel bad for those girls! If he's smart they'll never find out, but if I was on the other side of that equation and I somehow got wind of it, I would be REALLY pissed!!! Maybe it's just me, but a guy should like me for me, not because I could pass for his ex's identical twin!!!!

Ugh, it still gives me chills just to think about it. I told C she's not allowed to tell me stuff about him anymore. Which works out, because she told him he's not allowed to ask her questions like that anymore either. Talk about a guy who needs help! It's been over 10 years - get over it already!!!

So keep in mind guys - if anything ever happens to me, I disappear, get brainwashed, become a Stepford Wife, or anything like that. Make sure to tell the cops to look at my ex, G...who will now forever be known as "The Big Creepowski"!

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Please Pardon My (Dis)Appearance

I'm sorry for my silence these last few weeks, I haven't forgotten to write, really! It's funny how life throws an unexpected curveball and you find yourself completely off-balance. And without words.

I'm used to bumps in the road...but it's terrible not being able to communicate and articulate. This inability is completely foreign to me. But life is getting back to normal and I'm returning to myself. Slowly, but surely.

So I guess for now, I am under construction, on the inside. I feel my words coming back to me, and I will not take them for granted again.

Just some fair warning - I will be on vacation starting next week for two weeks, and I am leaving all devices of electronic communication behind. But I promise I'll be back, and will be ready to resume our conversation!

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Ain't Nothin' But a Number

For some odd reason, I find myself having a lot of conversations with girlfriends about age lately. There are those who are completely ignoring their birthday this year and would rather go backwards, some who have lied about their age for so long, they have to really think to remember their real age, and there are those who would never go back and just want to stay right where they are.

To be perfectly honest, I'm starting to fall into the latter category. I don't have a problem celebrating my birthday (yet). As the years go by, I feel less and less desire to acknowledge the number, but at the same time, I would never want to go back to say, 27. I wonder why we have such hang ups about our age, and do men have these thoughts too?

I suppose part of it is about milestones. Women have biological clocks that remind us of the passage of time. As the clock ticks and winds down, so does our ability to bear children. The other part is society's warped sense of gender roles. A woman who doesn't marry becomes an "old maid" and is in danger of becoming a crazy cat lady, a man is...well, he'll still be called a bachelor.

Why is there such a double standard? Why is an single woman considered "unwanted" as she gets older, but a man isn't?

I'm not talking about anything new, I know. It's just been on my mind lately. I realized today that I'll be 35 in just a few months, and while it's scaring the hell out of me, I'm kind of excited at the same time.

Let's see what the last half of my 30's brings, hopefully it'll be a good surprise!!!

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Little Bo-Peep

Back in December, J met a nice guy at a Christmas party who went to her high school, and they really seemed to hit it off with. Great way to end the year, right? But after several conversations and texts back and forth, she was asked out and subsequently stood up twice by the dude. That's so rude, who does that???

A few weeks later, as she was sharing her frustration about the guy with some old school chums, someone asked, "Wasn't he the one who was rumored to have done it with a sheep when we were in high school???" And that's when the light bulb turned on. There was a guy in high school who everyone said had stuck his you-know-what in a sheep, and considering how rare a rumor like that is, it MUST HAVE BEEN HIM. Once again, who does that????

She shouldn't feel slighted about being stood up by a guy like that, because she's absolutely amazing, and realistically, he did her a favor! Would you really want to be known as the girl who went out with the guy who shagged a sheep? And honestly, would you even touch that thing with a 10-foot pole, in case the rumor is true??? If it is true, maybe he flaked because he just doesn't know how to interact with real people!

But back to the poor sheep - I couldn't help but wonder, was it a sexual attachment to the sheep? Simple curiosity? Or was it a case of animal cruelty??? Maybe it's because I majored in psychology that I find this whole thing fascinating, or maybe because it's just so fucked up.

What drives a desire or a compulsion like that???

So I did some research...The most fascinating part is that people who engage in bestiality (otherwise known as zoophilia) or who have thoughts of bestiality are normal people just like you and me. After some quick research on Wikipedia, it seems that people who engage in bestiality do so because they simply don't want to deal with the hassle of sex with emotion and relationships (OMG, I was right!!!). And, this has been going on since the ancient Greeks were around. GROSS.

Coincidentally, last night during a bout of insomnia, I came across a documentary on Sundance On Demand called Zoo, about a man in Washington state who died as a result of a perforated colon after having sex with a horse. I couldn't bring myself to watch the movie...I figured at 2am, it was a bit heavy and morbid while trying to zone out, but I actually remember when this incident happened. I was working for a company based out of Seattle several years ago, and we were all gathered for a national sales meeting when this hit the news. At the time, it was not illegal to have sex with animals in the state of Washington, which shocked the hell out of us New Yorkers. How can something like that not be illegal??? It's still illegal to perform oral sex in the state of New Jersey! AND, this guy was an executive at Boeing, had a family and everything. Craziness. How do you think his kids feel knowing this is how their father died???

Unfortunately, the DSM-IV doesn't consider bestiality to be a diagnosed condition unless it affects a person's ability to function normally in daily life. Besides, how would you treat someone with this condition anyway? Would they attend sex rehab with Tiger??? I believe that your sexuality and who you're attracted to is genetic, so is bestiality the same because these people can't help being attracted to animals?

Oye...I had meant to tell you guys a funny story, but now I've made it all dark and twisted. I need a drink or some sleeping pills now, anything to obliterate this from my mind!!!

Back to Sheep Boy from high school, his story has inspired me to make an amateur attempt at a little rhyme for you all:

Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep,
And can't tell where to find them

Leave them alone, And they'll come home
Wagging their tails behind them

Unless, that is, Sheep Boy
Has managed to have his way about them!!!

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Time To Fess Up

When it comes to my parents, I am an intensely private person. I don't discuss my love life with them...I never have, ever. I guess I don't want my Mother to nag me with questions and start meddling (she's really good at nagging), or maybe...actually, that's about it - I can't deal with my Mom nagging me with questions.

But, there comes a time in a girls' life when she has to tell her parents about her boyfriend. Like this weekend. Because Valentine's Day dinner and Chinese New Year family dinner just happen to coincide and you have to explain to your Mom why you won't be attending the family dinner. Well, I didn't really tell her about my boyfriend this weekend, I said I had Valentine's Day plans and left it at that. This afternoon was when the real torture and humiliation began...!

It all started when I called my mom this afternoon to see how her Valentine's Day was (my brother, sister and I bought our parent's tickets to see West Side Story). Their seats were awesome, and they liked it well enough, even though nearly half the show was in Spanish (which I think is weird). After we got that out of the way, there was a noticeable uncomfortable silence, because we were both obviously thinking about the pink elephant in the room, and the conversation went like this:

Mom: So...I haven't seen you since New Year's Eve dinner on Saturday...

Me: Right...since when do you see me during the week?

Mom: Well...um...how was your Valentine's Day dinner?

Me: Umm...it was nice...a little crowded, but nice.

Mom: What's his name?

Me: T

Mom: Is he white?

Me: Of course he is, who are you talking to???

Mom: Well...is it...is it...serious...???

At this point, I started giggling because, #1 - I am sooooo not ready for these questions from my mother, and #2 - if I really must have this conversation, I don't exactly want to be having it while I'm at work!

Me: Ummm...well...

Mom: No...???!!!

Me: No!!! I mean...well...yeah...it's getting there...

Mom: OH. Well...umm...do you want him to meet your parents?

Me: (Laughing uncontrollably now) Um...um...ummm...ummm....

Mom: Well???

Me: (Practically shrieking) I don't know if I'm ready for that yet!!!! Why, are you cooking dinner anytime soon?

Mom: Since when do I cook anymore?

Me: Well, how else are you going to meet him???

Mom: Well, I thought you would cook and invite us over to meet him!

Me: I have no dining area, you and Dad want to come over and sit on the floor around my coffee table for dinner???!!!!

And it wound down from there...thankfully, she didn't push me on it. We eventually settled on a family dinner in a few weeks or so and I can bring him home. God, if any of my coworkers overheard me, I must have sounded like a babbling idiot.

Hopefully I'll have regained my power of speech and will have the giggles under control by then!

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You Are What You...

I truly believe that you are what you eat. As a result, I'm an obsessive label-reader. It's terrible, but in a good way. It significantly reduces the amount of processed foods I eat, and when it comes to my skin care lotions, it has steered me towards products with less fillers and scary-sounding chemicals. I mean, it's nearly impossible to do so if you want to enjoy life, but if you can at least limit the amount of toxins you ingest or come into contact with, then you should, right?

With all this, I never thought to extend my label-reading to my make up before. That is, until I found a new website to feed my obsession sickness interest, www.CometicsDatabase.com. This site is amazing - it rates the toxicity levels of your skin care products and cosmetics. Talk about eye-opening! This site even tells you what the toxic ingredients in your product have been linked to, such as:

• Cancer
• Developmental/reproductive toxicity (YIKES!!!)
• Allergies/immunotoxicity
• Other concerns such as: Neurotoxicity, Endocrine disruption, Organ system toxicity (non-reproductive), Irritation (skin, eyes, or lungs), Enhanced skin absorption, Biochemical or cellular level changes

Changes on the cellular level???!!! Neurotoxicity??? Are you shitting me??? I have now trashed about half the products in my make up drawer, much to my relief and dismay (make up is NOT cheap). Fortunately my new foundation from Shu Uemera is a 3 (on a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being no toxicity at all), but all of my blushes were a 9!!! My new Shu Uemera eyeshadows are a 7, which isn't THAT terrible, but do I really want that so close to my eyeballs?! I'm compromising and saving those for special occasions...gimme a break, I just bought them two months ago!

Fortunately my moisturizers and lotions are all in the 2-4 range, but I had to throw out my hair stuff. Oh well, I've been looking for an excuse to treat myself to L'Occitane shampoo and conditioner anyways (they are each a 3, yay)! While my toothpaste is safe (thank god), I have not yet had the guts to look up my lip glosses (because you ingest that shit every time you lick your lips) or my deodorant.

Like I said, it's a sickness. Really, I can't help it, I need to know!!! Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss, and I really wasn't sure I wanted to know. But, at least I am now armed with a tool to make better informed decisions going forward!

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The Balance of The Sexes

There was an interesting article in the New York Times last week about how more and more men are marrying wealthier women. Apparently we're kicking ass - we're increasing the numbers who are more educated and earning more income these days. You go girls!!!

But the article also notes that our gains and career advancements have been affecting our dating lives. Does our success intimidate the men we meet? Can men handle the fact that we might be the primary breadwinner in the relationship, and that we're smart, self-sufficient and ambitious?

I know for me, that imbalance was extremely difficult for my ex to handle. I had fallen for a very talented but very poor, struggling photographer a lifetime ago. He worked, but it was sporadic and it was just never enough money. And toward the end of our relationship, I was supporting him. I was making sick money at the time, so I was happy to do it - we had talked about marriage, so I figured my money was his, right? Turned out I could handle it, but he couldn't. He began to resent the fact that I was paying the rent and his bills, started taking his anger over his lack of work and success out on me, and our relationship began to go downhill. It was an expensive lesson to learn, but I learned it well.

Conversely, my girlfriend, C, is a successful, incredibly intelligent woman with a Ph.D. in psychology. For years, she dated men she knew from school, and while her career took off, some of them floundered. And in her case, it affected both sides of the relationship. She had trouble dealing with the fact that vacations had to be few and far between and on the cheap because they couldn't afford it like she could. Or even the occasional expensive dinner out was a question mark. And as for the men in her life, they had trouble with the fact that her star was rising while they were struggling to finish their program or had trouble finding decent work afterward.

I guess it boils down to finding someone that you can grow with, one you can work toward goals with, and with whom you can share a life you both want and can contribute to, whether financially or otherwise. I don't doubt that couples where the woman is the breadwinner can make it work, but I think it takes an extremely secure man, and at the same time, a very open-minded woman, who is willing to take a back seat in other aspects of the relationship.

The thing is, successful women are taught to go for it and to always be the alpha, because that is how women achieve success in a dog-eat-dog world. So taking a back seat doesn't exactly come easily. But how do the women who left the corporate rat race to raise their families get where they are today? And do they miss it? Let's face it, some men (and some women) just want a traditional relationship where the woman stays home with the kids while the man brings home the bacon, and there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, I think about it too sometimes!

After my experience, I'm not sure I could have a relationship with someone who didn't have an equal or higher education level and who isn't as advanced in their career path as I am, or well on their way. Granted, money comes and goes, and in this economy, you're lucky to have a job. So it's not that black and white, I know.

I've seen my parents live with huge success, and I've also seen them struggle through lost businesses, unemployment, paying bills, etc and it wasn't pretty. Money may not make people happy, but having it sure as hell makes things less stressful in marriage and relationships. And we know that relationships are hard enough as it is without fighting over money!

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Never Say This On a Date With an Asian Girl - EVER!!!

My girlfriend L recently joined eHarmony since she wasn't having much luck with meeting men out and about or on the blind date route. I love L, she's a great woman, and we share funny date stories all the time, as her dating history is just as hilarious as mine. She's spoken to a few guys so far, but nothing special yet. I think I got really lucky, I told her, but you have to keep an open mind about it all. After what she just told me though, I wouldn't blame her for abandoning the whole online dating idea completely!

She had a phone call the other night with an accountant she had been having "guided communication" with. He seemed like a nice guy, if a little boring. L is like me - outgoing, loves a good laugh, good conversation, and is looking for an intelligent guy who can keep up. Oh, and I should mention that she's Asian too, in case my post title didn't already tell you that.

The conversation with the accountant wasn't exactly going smoothly. We all know some guys just don't like talking on the phone, but he really didn't bring anything to the conversation, and didn't ask her any questions about herself. To try to engage him, she asked about his hobbies and interests. His answer? Numbers.

***YAWN*** That would have been my cue to excuse myself from the call and get myself in the tub for a nice, long soak with some pretty bubbles. But L, god bless her soul, persevered.

After a few failed attempts at drawing Mr. Numbers out of his shell, she asked him if he typically dates Asians and why. His response was a yes...and the why...?

"When I was younger I watched the movie Karate Kid, and as soon as I saw how submissive and subservient the Japanese girl was, I knew I wanted an Asian girl."

Seriously, this shit can't be made up. On the one hand, at least he was honest. But on the other hand, what did he think she would say, "Oh goody, I've been waiting for a guy like you to come along my whole life!!! Can I sit quietly by your feet while you play with your numbers, darling???"

That is a dude who should just get himself a mail-order bride and call it a day!

L, I admire you being able to hold your tongue. I probably would have told him to shove his numbers up his ass and if he was really looking for subservient, then he should go out and buy himself a blow-up doll.

Keep on laughing and and keep on trying, girl!!!

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Fortune Cookie 1.19.2010

Fortune cookie of the day:

"Success is when you get what you want. Happiness is when you want what you get."

Here's wishing you both success and happiness!!!

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Family Love

As an Asian daughter, I was raised to respect my elders no matter what. I'm not perfect, I'll admit that. I've raised my voice to my mother once or twice, and I have hung up on her a few times, but I always said goodbye as I was hanging up, and I always felt bad after. But with my other elders, I am always respectful no matter what, no matter how much I want to speak my mind or be rude back. Especially not in front of other people. It's just how I was raised.

Having been raised that way, it always strikes me when I see other people disrespecting their elders. So imagine my shock while at the taping of the Martha Stewart Show yesterday, when Martha's daughter Alexis (who was a guest), was rude and frankly, exuded extreme dislike and bitchiness, to her mother. Not even just during the breaks, this was during taping as well. She barely spoke during the segment and when asked a question was flat-out snippy. Her demeanor was that of a really PISSED-OFF person who just obviously didn't want to be there.

It was sad, and I felt bad for Martha because it was just so...blatant. Now, I don't pretend to know anything about their relationship. I know there are stories about what a terrible mother Martha was, and who knows, maybe the stories are true and it was incredibly shitty growing up in that household, but I still have difficulty watching someone treating their parent that way. It's just...wrong and well, disrespectful!

Alexis showed herself to be a petty, mean, bitchy woman, which is never a positive image. And maybe she doesn't care what other people think about her, but it would bother me if I was that person, that's for sure. Especially on national television!

I don't know...I guess that's another part of me that is more Chinese than American.

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Do Not Try This At Work

I think my client has a crush on me. My married with 2 kids and 2 dogs -client. Maybe it's all in my head and he's just uber-friendly, but you tell me...

I went downtown to their offices today to present to his bosses, and he had mentioned last week that he wanted to take me out to lunch after, so I agreed. He seems like an really friendly guy, is pleasant to talk to...I'm trying to get more business, I know he's married, he knows I have a boyfriend, it's all good, business as usual. So I give my presentation, and we go down to a nearby place to grab some some food.

And like I said, he's an extremely gregarious guy, so while I didn't think twice when he started asking me about myself, where I went to school, where I grew up, then showing me pictures of his dogs, telling me about the jobs he had when he was in school, etc. But it was weird when he insisted on carrying my laptop for me, and showed me a picture of his "mid-life crisis" purchase - a motorcycle. And stupid me, I mention that I've never been on a motorcycle before, and he immediately offered to take me out on his bike this summer. Suuuuurrrrre, I say...do you take your wife out on it a lot too??? Apparently the bike is a sore point in his marriage. Double oye!

So I bring up my boyfriend, just to remind him that I'm not on the market. I figured even if I was off the mark, why not play it safe? I don't get too personal with my clients, but there are a few I have developed friendships with over time so to mention my boyfriend wouldn't be too out of the realm of possibility. Apparently, the hint didn't work...!

It was time for me to wrap things up and get out of dodge, so I make my excuses that it's time to get back to the office and hail myself a cab. As I'm about to climb in, he asks, "So do I have to wait to ask you out to lunch again, or can I call you?"

Awkward!!!

Seriously??? What makes him think that it's okay to ask out his vendor and that I want to mess around with a married man with kids????!!!

WTF???

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Dear Santa...

Is it too late to send a list? Can you make an emergency drop off? Even if I promise I've been really, really, really good?

Cuz I'd like a new lower back and butt...seriously. I literally have a pain in my ass, and weeks of physical therapy and the chiropractor haven't helped. At all.

So if you're listening, Santa, help a sister out. I'll bake you some cookies and put them by my fake electric fireplace.

Thanks,
Chloe

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