The Balance of The Sexes

There was an interesting article in the New York Times last week about how more and more men are marrying wealthier women. Apparently we're kicking ass - we're increasing the numbers who are more educated and earning more income these days. You go girls!!!

But the article also notes that our gains and career advancements have been affecting our dating lives. Does our success intimidate the men we meet? Can men handle the fact that we might be the primary breadwinner in the relationship, and that we're smart, self-sufficient and ambitious?

I know for me, that imbalance was extremely difficult for my ex to handle. I had fallen for a very talented but very poor, struggling photographer a lifetime ago. He worked, but it was sporadic and it was just never enough money. And toward the end of our relationship, I was supporting him. I was making sick money at the time, so I was happy to do it - we had talked about marriage, so I figured my money was his, right? Turned out I could handle it, but he couldn't. He began to resent the fact that I was paying the rent and his bills, started taking his anger over his lack of work and success out on me, and our relationship began to go downhill. It was an expensive lesson to learn, but I learned it well.

Conversely, my girlfriend, C, is a successful, incredibly intelligent woman with a Ph.D. in psychology. For years, she dated men she knew from school, and while her career took off, some of them floundered. And in her case, it affected both sides of the relationship. She had trouble dealing with the fact that vacations had to be few and far between and on the cheap because they couldn't afford it like she could. Or even the occasional expensive dinner out was a question mark. And as for the men in her life, they had trouble with the fact that her star was rising while they were struggling to finish their program or had trouble finding decent work afterward.

I guess it boils down to finding someone that you can grow with, one you can work toward goals with, and with whom you can share a life you both want and can contribute to, whether financially or otherwise. I don't doubt that couples where the woman is the breadwinner can make it work, but I think it takes an extremely secure man, and at the same time, a very open-minded woman, who is willing to take a back seat in other aspects of the relationship.

The thing is, successful women are taught to go for it and to always be the alpha, because that is how women achieve success in a dog-eat-dog world. So taking a back seat doesn't exactly come easily. But how do the women who left the corporate rat race to raise their families get where they are today? And do they miss it? Let's face it, some men (and some women) just want a traditional relationship where the woman stays home with the kids while the man brings home the bacon, and there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, I think about it too sometimes!

After my experience, I'm not sure I could have a relationship with someone who didn't have an equal or higher education level and who isn't as advanced in their career path as I am, or well on their way. Granted, money comes and goes, and in this economy, you're lucky to have a job. So it's not that black and white, I know.

I've seen my parents live with huge success, and I've also seen them struggle through lost businesses, unemployment, paying bills, etc and it wasn't pretty. Money may not make people happy, but having it sure as hell makes things less stressful in marriage and relationships. And we know that relationships are hard enough as it is without fighting over money!

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