Time to Say That I Am...Me

I often write about my two halves - my Chinese self, and my American self. Most of my life has been spent trying to figure out which half is guiding me, and honestly, it's been a struggle for me. I've always felt like a woman stuck between two worlds.

I think there has always been the part of me who has felt the need to be "Chinese" enough to please my parents. The need to feel like I have a culture, a heritage. Yet I was raised here, as an American, and as an extremely independent person who embraces uniqueness. I have never quite fit in anyone's mold. Thank God!

And now I wonder...why do I feel this need to question myself? Why has it been so difficult for me to accept myself as I am? Why do I need to see it as a split?

My trip to Bali was a quest for healing, rejuvenation and revelation. And during my quest, I decided to stop questioning it all and just love me as I am. I am simply a whole and complete woman with different layers that make up my complex personality. I do have a heritage, I do have a culture and a history, and I embrace that. But regardless of all that, I am...me. There, I said it!

In the spirit of this new, whole me, I realized that it was time for me to and put my nom de plume back in the closet. So, my readers, the real me is not Chloe, but...Sharon.

Very nice to meet you. :)

Share |

What Am I?

Where are you from?

I am asked this question all the time. There are a few ways I can answer, depending on who is asking the question, my mood, whether they are annoying me or not...etc.

I am:
A New Yorker
Chinese
A first generation American

And not necessarily in that order.

I often say I am a woman stuck between two worlds. I was raised Chinese AND American. While my father has been here since he was twelve, and grew up in the West Village, he's fairly old fashioned yet just wants me to be happy. My mom has been here since '69, and has accepted that I'm not the traditional Chinese daughter most parents hope for, but I'm pretty sure she's proud of me and my independence. My parents are very traditional, but they did raise me to be true to myself, and they get it.

I think.

I never went to Chinese school, even though they tried. Apparently, I kicked and screamed something so fierce, they gave up. As a child, my parents spoke English at home to us kids, because they thought we would get confused. In my grade school years, I was around other Chinese kids, but I was different because we didn't speak Chinese at home. Later on, we moved to the suburbs, and no more Chinese kids to hang out with, but I was still different. I came from Brooklyn and had a heavy accent. I didn't get suburban life. Actually, I still don't get suburban life, but that's a whole other story.

I do have my traditional moments, though. I celebrate the major holidays, and try my best to follow traditions. I respect my elders and ancestors, and never speak out in anger towards them. But is that enough to call me Chinese?

I can look at certain scenarios, and tell you whether my behavior or reaction would be my Chinese self or my American self. For example, not going to law school like my parents wanted - American-me. Cleaning my house from top to bottom right before New Year's Eve - Chinese-me. Not telling my pain-in-the-ass aunt to mind her own business and get a life - Chinese-me. Disagreeing with China's human rights policies or lack of - American-me.

And so on...but there are certain things about me that are neither American or Chinese. I'm not religious, yet spiritual, which is definitely not a result of either culture. And the fact that I'm not attracted to Asian men...where does that come from? A good Chinese daughter would suck it up and try anyway.

So who or what am I???

Actually, does it matter? I live in this world, just like everyone else. I think the way I think and act the way I act because I am very simply, ME. Chinese-me, American-me, New York-me.

I just am.

Share |