Time to Say That I Am...Me

I often write about my two halves - my Chinese self, and my American self. Most of my life has been spent trying to figure out which half is guiding me, and honestly, it's been a struggle for me. I've always felt like a woman stuck between two worlds.

I think there has always been the part of me who has felt the need to be "Chinese" enough to please my parents. The need to feel like I have a culture, a heritage. Yet I was raised here, as an American, and as an extremely independent person who embraces uniqueness. I have never quite fit in anyone's mold. Thank God!

And now I wonder...why do I feel this need to question myself? Why has it been so difficult for me to accept myself as I am? Why do I need to see it as a split?

My trip to Bali was a quest for healing, rejuvenation and revelation. And during my quest, I decided to stop questioning it all and just love me as I am. I am simply a whole and complete woman with different layers that make up my complex personality. I do have a heritage, I do have a culture and a history, and I embrace that. But regardless of all that, I am...me. There, I said it!

In the spirit of this new, whole me, I realized that it was time for me to and put my nom de plume back in the closet. So, my readers, the real me is not Chloe, but...Sharon.

Very nice to meet you. :)

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The Girl is Back in Town

Ahhh, vacation...rejuvenating, refreshing, healing, transformative...

I spent the last two weeks on the gorgeous island of Bali, and it was...a life-changing experience, to say the least. I missed you guys, and will be sure to tell you all as soon as I get over this jet-lag headache and can think straight!

For now, a few pics I snapped in my travels...

I was greeted by this large bowl of flowers when I arrived at my hotel...

Everywhere you go, there are gorgeous rice terraces...

Temples in every village...

And offerings for the gods everywhere you look...

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The Big Creepowski

I had dinner with an old girlfriend last night, C. We met about 13 years ago through one of my exes, G (Polish guy, my first true European...one of many!). Obviously, that relationship didn't work out, but the friendship did!

It was one of those early 20's, on-again, off-again, "he has major commitment issues but keeps sucking you back in" relationships. We've all had at least one of those, right? I was young and stupid, what can I say... In the end, we tried to stay friends and I moved on, started dating other guys. Until one fine day, G said he finally realized that he was in love with me and that I should give him another chance because I didn't know what it was like to be in a relationship with him when he really wanted to be in a relationship with me. While that was a very compelling argument in his mind, and I know it's hard to believe I didn't drop to my knees to thank the Lord that he finally, truly wanted to be with me after stringing me along for 3 years, I thought, "been there, done that, have the t-shirt" and decided to pass on that stellar opportunity. He took it like a champ and accused me of dating guys behind his back. Yep, he was a prize!!!

G still lives in the city, and about a year ago, I bumped into him at a restaurant downtown, while he was on an eHarmony date. We exchanged brief pleasantries and went back to our respective dinners. The funny part is, the previous time I bumped into him was on the subway while he was on his way to a date. Just too random and odd for city with millions of people on it. Damn this small island.

Anyways, over dinner last night with C, the latest run-in with my ex came up in the conversation. She asked if his date that night was Asian, which I had no clue, but of course I had to ask why. She told me that since we broke up, he pretty much exclusively dates Asians. Not only that, but whenever he met someone new, he would show C a picture and ask her if she thinks the new girl looks like me.

My jaw dropped. I was, and still am, shocked beyond belief.

Isn't that disturbing and just...wrong on so many levels????

I kind of feel like I'm being stalked without actively being stalked! Or like...if he somehow got hold of my DNA he would have a clone made to "replace" me!

I mean, it's one thing to have a type that you tend to be attracted to, but to actively seek out a doppelganger???!!! It's just...unhealthy!!! And I feel bad for those girls! If he's smart they'll never find out, but if I was on the other side of that equation and I somehow got wind of it, I would be REALLY pissed!!! Maybe it's just me, but a guy should like me for me, not because I could pass for his ex's identical twin!!!!

Ugh, it still gives me chills just to think about it. I told C she's not allowed to tell me stuff about him anymore. Which works out, because she told him he's not allowed to ask her questions like that anymore either. Talk about a guy who needs help! It's been over 10 years - get over it already!!!

So keep in mind guys - if anything ever happens to me, I disappear, get brainwashed, become a Stepford Wife, or anything like that. Make sure to tell the cops to look at my ex, G...who will now forever be known as "The Big Creepowski"!

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Please Pardon My (Dis)Appearance

I'm sorry for my silence these last few weeks, I haven't forgotten to write, really! It's funny how life throws an unexpected curveball and you find yourself completely off-balance. And without words.

I'm used to bumps in the road...but it's terrible not being able to communicate and articulate. This inability is completely foreign to me. But life is getting back to normal and I'm returning to myself. Slowly, but surely.

So I guess for now, I am under construction, on the inside. I feel my words coming back to me, and I will not take them for granted again.

Just some fair warning - I will be on vacation starting next week for two weeks, and I am leaving all devices of electronic communication behind. But I promise I'll be back, and will be ready to resume our conversation!

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Ain't Nothin' But a Number

For some odd reason, I find myself having a lot of conversations with girlfriends about age lately. There are those who are completely ignoring their birthday this year and would rather go backwards, some who have lied about their age for so long, they have to really think to remember their real age, and there are those who would never go back and just want to stay right where they are.

To be perfectly honest, I'm starting to fall into the latter category. I don't have a problem celebrating my birthday (yet). As the years go by, I feel less and less desire to acknowledge the number, but at the same time, I would never want to go back to say, 27. I wonder why we have such hang ups about our age, and do men have these thoughts too?

I suppose part of it is about milestones. Women have biological clocks that remind us of the passage of time. As the clock ticks and winds down, so does our ability to bear children. The other part is society's warped sense of gender roles. A woman who doesn't marry becomes an "old maid" and is in danger of becoming a crazy cat lady, a man is...well, he'll still be called a bachelor.

Why is there such a double standard? Why is an single woman considered "unwanted" as she gets older, but a man isn't?

I'm not talking about anything new, I know. It's just been on my mind lately. I realized today that I'll be 35 in just a few months, and while it's scaring the hell out of me, I'm kind of excited at the same time.

Let's see what the last half of my 30's brings, hopefully it'll be a good surprise!!!

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Little Bo-Peep

Back in December, J met a nice guy at a Christmas party who went to her high school, and they really seemed to hit it off with. Great way to end the year, right? But after several conversations and texts back and forth, she was asked out and subsequently stood up twice by the dude. That's so rude, who does that???

A few weeks later, as she was sharing her frustration about the guy with some old school chums, someone asked, "Wasn't he the one who was rumored to have done it with a sheep when we were in high school???" And that's when the light bulb turned on. There was a guy in high school who everyone said had stuck his you-know-what in a sheep, and considering how rare a rumor like that is, it MUST HAVE BEEN HIM. Once again, who does that????

She shouldn't feel slighted about being stood up by a guy like that, because she's absolutely amazing, and realistically, he did her a favor! Would you really want to be known as the girl who went out with the guy who shagged a sheep? And honestly, would you even touch that thing with a 10-foot pole, in case the rumor is true??? If it is true, maybe he flaked because he just doesn't know how to interact with real people!

But back to the poor sheep - I couldn't help but wonder, was it a sexual attachment to the sheep? Simple curiosity? Or was it a case of animal cruelty??? Maybe it's because I majored in psychology that I find this whole thing fascinating, or maybe because it's just so fucked up.

What drives a desire or a compulsion like that???

So I did some research...The most fascinating part is that people who engage in bestiality (otherwise known as zoophilia) or who have thoughts of bestiality are normal people just like you and me. After some quick research on Wikipedia, it seems that people who engage in bestiality do so because they simply don't want to deal with the hassle of sex with emotion and relationships (OMG, I was right!!!). And, this has been going on since the ancient Greeks were around. GROSS.

Coincidentally, last night during a bout of insomnia, I came across a documentary on Sundance On Demand called Zoo, about a man in Washington state who died as a result of a perforated colon after having sex with a horse. I couldn't bring myself to watch the movie...I figured at 2am, it was a bit heavy and morbid while trying to zone out, but I actually remember when this incident happened. I was working for a company based out of Seattle several years ago, and we were all gathered for a national sales meeting when this hit the news. At the time, it was not illegal to have sex with animals in the state of Washington, which shocked the hell out of us New Yorkers. How can something like that not be illegal??? It's still illegal to perform oral sex in the state of New Jersey! AND, this guy was an executive at Boeing, had a family and everything. Craziness. How do you think his kids feel knowing this is how their father died???

Unfortunately, the DSM-IV doesn't consider bestiality to be a diagnosed condition unless it affects a person's ability to function normally in daily life. Besides, how would you treat someone with this condition anyway? Would they attend sex rehab with Tiger??? I believe that your sexuality and who you're attracted to is genetic, so is bestiality the same because these people can't help being attracted to animals?

Oye...I had meant to tell you guys a funny story, but now I've made it all dark and twisted. I need a drink or some sleeping pills now, anything to obliterate this from my mind!!!

Back to Sheep Boy from high school, his story has inspired me to make an amateur attempt at a little rhyme for you all:

Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep,
And can't tell where to find them

Leave them alone, And they'll come home
Wagging their tails behind them

Unless, that is, Sheep Boy
Has managed to have his way about them!!!

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Time To Fess Up

When it comes to my parents, I am an intensely private person. I don't discuss my love life with them...I never have, ever. I guess I don't want my Mother to nag me with questions and start meddling (she's really good at nagging), or maybe...actually, that's about it - I can't deal with my Mom nagging me with questions.

But, there comes a time in a girls' life when she has to tell her parents about her boyfriend. Like this weekend. Because Valentine's Day dinner and Chinese New Year family dinner just happen to coincide and you have to explain to your Mom why you won't be attending the family dinner. Well, I didn't really tell her about my boyfriend this weekend, I said I had Valentine's Day plans and left it at that. This afternoon was when the real torture and humiliation began...!

It all started when I called my mom this afternoon to see how her Valentine's Day was (my brother, sister and I bought our parent's tickets to see West Side Story). Their seats were awesome, and they liked it well enough, even though nearly half the show was in Spanish (which I think is weird). After we got that out of the way, there was a noticeable uncomfortable silence, because we were both obviously thinking about the pink elephant in the room, and the conversation went like this:

Mom: So...I haven't seen you since New Year's Eve dinner on Saturday...

Me: Right...since when do you see me during the week?

Mom: Well...um...how was your Valentine's Day dinner?

Me: Umm...it was nice...a little crowded, but nice.

Mom: What's his name?

Me: T

Mom: Is he white?

Me: Of course he is, who are you talking to???

Mom: Well...is it...is it...serious...???

At this point, I started giggling because, #1 - I am sooooo not ready for these questions from my mother, and #2 - if I really must have this conversation, I don't exactly want to be having it while I'm at work!

Me: Ummm...well...

Mom: No...???!!!

Me: No!!! I mean...well...yeah...it's getting there...

Mom: OH. Well...umm...do you want him to meet your parents?

Me: (Laughing uncontrollably now) Um...um...ummm...ummm....

Mom: Well???

Me: (Practically shrieking) I don't know if I'm ready for that yet!!!! Why, are you cooking dinner anytime soon?

Mom: Since when do I cook anymore?

Me: Well, how else are you going to meet him???

Mom: Well, I thought you would cook and invite us over to meet him!

Me: I have no dining area, you and Dad want to come over and sit on the floor around my coffee table for dinner???!!!!

And it wound down from there...thankfully, she didn't push me on it. We eventually settled on a family dinner in a few weeks or so and I can bring him home. God, if any of my coworkers overheard me, I must have sounded like a babbling idiot.

Hopefully I'll have regained my power of speech and will have the giggles under control by then!

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