Pardon Me, Have We Gone Out?

About a year ago, girl meets boy, friend gives boy the girl's phone number, boy calls girl and asks her out. We went on what I thought was a really good date - we went for a nice dinner, walked around exploring the neighborhood and talking, stopped for dessert, walked around some more to talk and get to know each other, he gave me a big hug at the end of the night, said he'd call me the next day...and I never heard from him again.

Recently, I bumped into him. And he didn't recognize me. I was shocked. We talked, he did the whole, "it's been a long time..." -thing, and we made small talk, but I swear, by the end of the conversation, I still wasn't sure if he figured out who I was. Am I that forgettable???!!!

It's not like we met on a stupid drunken night and had a quick encounter or a one-night stand. We went on a six hour date!!! I'm trying to not take it personally, but this is definitely a hit to the ego.

Oh well...you can't win them all!

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For Love or Money

I passed a couple on the street today - a lithe, hip, gorgeous 20-something Asian girl on the arm of a 60+ Caucasian gentleman. And he definitely was not her grandpa. I don't get it.

Actually, who am I to judge, right? But seriously, how does that work? You see that walking down the street and it just screams SUGAR DADDY. But for all I know, they have major intellectual/cerebral chemistry. It's possible...right?

I mean, there's someone out there for everyone, so maybe he's her someone and vice versa. There's no explaining chemistry. But then I started to wonder, could I be in a relationship like that? Not likely. Alternatively, could I be in a relationship where I was the breadwinner (again)?

Based on past experience, my knee-jerk reaction is a big, resounding NO. I have no problem being with someone who makes less than me, but significantly less? My experience is that it emasculated my partner, and he started to treat me not so nicely. It sucked. You think that sharing is helping, but it just made the whole situation worse and worse and worse, until it simply broke.

And in hindsight, I get it. It was a whole male ego thing - he felt that being supported by his girlfriend made him less of a man. But what was the alternative? I wanted to stand by my man, and I couldn't stand by and watch him in pain.

Or maybe I should have. I gave and gave, until I had nothing left to give. Emotionally, that is. I spent so much time looking after him and taking care of him and making sure his feelings would be okay, that one day I woke up and realized, who's looking after my needs? Who's making sure I'm okay? I certainly wasn't, and had forgotten that I even had wants and needs that weren't his. It sucked, and it hurt, but I realized I had to focus on myself and get myself out of the hole if I wanted a semblance of a happy life. It felt so selfish, but like I said, even I wasn't looking out for me.

So on the flip side, would I date a sugar daddy? No, even if I could not be an equal contributor, then at least I would need to be a contributor. But I do want babies, and I would love to be able to stay home with them for at least the first few years of their lives. And that's impossible if your partner's income can't support it. Children are expensive. New York is expensive. How do people do it in this city? Yes, you make sacrifices, save up, and budget. Everyone doesn't live a Sex & the City lifestyle, I get it. Money is useless without love. But love without money is...stressful. I've seen my parents go through it...not fun.

Sigh...is it possible to have it all???

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The Battle Between the Sexes Continues

I came across an article today that sheds yet another ray of light on what makes men, well, men. Seems being around a gorgeous woman could be harmful to a man's health!!!

I'd be curious to read the actual statistics behind this study, but according to the University of Valencia, being around a beautiful woman can cause a man to release the stress hormone, cortisol. According to the article, cortisol can be a factor in heart disease, diabetes, erectile dysfunction (oh so that's why it happens sometimes!!!), depression and high blood pressure. So they weren't kidding when they said looks can kill, huh?

Does a beautiful woman make you nervous, gentlemen? Insecure? Hyper-sensitive? Anxious...?

This reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite movies, Beautiful Girls, where Michael Rapaport's character goes on a diatribe about supermodels and beautiful women:

"A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high, full of the single greatest commodity known to man, promise. The promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular ore can be found the gate of a beautiful girl. In her smile, and in her soul...in the way she makes every rotten little thing in life seem like it's gonna be okay."

He goes on to call beautiful girls "hope dancing in stiletto heels, and all-powerful, which is as good as love."

Really??? Is that how men view us? It all seemed so...promising until that last line!

Gentlemen...we are not objects. We are feeling, thinking, vulnerable souls who love and want to be loved. The vulnerable girl inside of me wants to be taken and protected, but I don't want to be on a pedestal like that. I know now that there is no living up to that fantasy. Just...take me and love me. It's as simple as that.

Hmm...it may be time to get back in the dating game again, see if we can find the right dancing partner to glide with me across this dance floor we call earth...

But back to the article, what does a beautiful woman make you feel?

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Time to Say That I Am...Me

I often write about my two halves - my Chinese self, and my American self. Most of my life has been spent trying to figure out which half is guiding me, and honestly, it's been a struggle for me. I've always felt like a woman stuck between two worlds.

I think there has always been the part of me who has felt the need to be "Chinese" enough to please my parents. The need to feel like I have a culture, a heritage. Yet I was raised here, as an American, and as an extremely independent person who embraces uniqueness. I have never quite fit in anyone's mold. Thank God!

And now I wonder...why do I feel this need to question myself? Why has it been so difficult for me to accept myself as I am? Why do I need to see it as a split?

My trip to Bali was a quest for healing, rejuvenation and revelation. And during my quest, I decided to stop questioning it all and just love me as I am. I am simply a whole and complete woman with different layers that make up my complex personality. I do have a heritage, I do have a culture and a history, and I embrace that. But regardless of all that, I am...me. There, I said it!

In the spirit of this new, whole me, I realized that it was time for me to and put my nom de plume back in the closet. So, my readers, the real me is not Chloe, but...Sharon.

Very nice to meet you. :)

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The Girl is Back in Town

Ahhh, vacation...rejuvenating, refreshing, healing, transformative...

I spent the last two weeks on the gorgeous island of Bali, and it was...a life-changing experience, to say the least. I missed you guys, and will be sure to tell you all as soon as I get over this jet-lag headache and can think straight!

For now, a few pics I snapped in my travels...

I was greeted by this large bowl of flowers when I arrived at my hotel...

Everywhere you go, there are gorgeous rice terraces...

Temples in every village...

And offerings for the gods everywhere you look...

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The Big Creepowski

I had dinner with an old girlfriend last night, C. We met about 13 years ago through one of my exes, G (Polish guy, my first true European...one of many!). Obviously, that relationship didn't work out, but the friendship did!

It was one of those early 20's, on-again, off-again, "he has major commitment issues but keeps sucking you back in" relationships. We've all had at least one of those, right? I was young and stupid, what can I say... In the end, we tried to stay friends and I moved on, started dating other guys. Until one fine day, G said he finally realized that he was in love with me and that I should give him another chance because I didn't know what it was like to be in a relationship with him when he really wanted to be in a relationship with me. While that was a very compelling argument in his mind, and I know it's hard to believe I didn't drop to my knees to thank the Lord that he finally, truly wanted to be with me after stringing me along for 3 years, I thought, "been there, done that, have the t-shirt" and decided to pass on that stellar opportunity. He took it like a champ and accused me of dating guys behind his back. Yep, he was a prize!!!

G still lives in the city, and about a year ago, I bumped into him at a restaurant downtown, while he was on an eHarmony date. We exchanged brief pleasantries and went back to our respective dinners. The funny part is, the previous time I bumped into him was on the subway while he was on his way to a date. Just too random and odd for city with millions of people on it. Damn this small island.

Anyways, over dinner last night with C, the latest run-in with my ex came up in the conversation. She asked if his date that night was Asian, which I had no clue, but of course I had to ask why. She told me that since we broke up, he pretty much exclusively dates Asians. Not only that, but whenever he met someone new, he would show C a picture and ask her if she thinks the new girl looks like me.

My jaw dropped. I was, and still am, shocked beyond belief.

Isn't that disturbing and just...wrong on so many levels????

I kind of feel like I'm being stalked without actively being stalked! Or like...if he somehow got hold of my DNA he would have a clone made to "replace" me!

I mean, it's one thing to have a type that you tend to be attracted to, but to actively seek out a doppelganger???!!! It's just...unhealthy!!! And I feel bad for those girls! If he's smart they'll never find out, but if I was on the other side of that equation and I somehow got wind of it, I would be REALLY pissed!!! Maybe it's just me, but a guy should like me for me, not because I could pass for his ex's identical twin!!!!

Ugh, it still gives me chills just to think about it. I told C she's not allowed to tell me stuff about him anymore. Which works out, because she told him he's not allowed to ask her questions like that anymore either. Talk about a guy who needs help! It's been over 10 years - get over it already!!!

So keep in mind guys - if anything ever happens to me, I disappear, get brainwashed, become a Stepford Wife, or anything like that. Make sure to tell the cops to look at my ex, G...who will now forever be known as "The Big Creepowski"!

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Please Pardon My (Dis)Appearance

I'm sorry for my silence these last few weeks, I haven't forgotten to write, really! It's funny how life throws an unexpected curveball and you find yourself completely off-balance. And without words.

I'm used to bumps in the road...but it's terrible not being able to communicate and articulate. This inability is completely foreign to me. But life is getting back to normal and I'm returning to myself. Slowly, but surely.

So I guess for now, I am under construction, on the inside. I feel my words coming back to me, and I will not take them for granted again.

Just some fair warning - I will be on vacation starting next week for two weeks, and I am leaving all devices of electronic communication behind. But I promise I'll be back, and will be ready to resume our conversation!

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