I Found It!!!

I thought I lost it. Really I did, and I was starting to get worried. I haven't been attracted to a man in about 2 months, and I was seriously beginning to wonder if I would ever feel it again. Now I mean really attracted, not the random passing, "Oh, he's kinda cute" thought. I mean desire. I really was starting to get worried. Did it get lost one night? Should I leave a light on, so it would find it's way back home, call out a search party? Was it gone forever???

But last night, it all came rushing back. Big time. I met a man, and he was HOT. Not just hot, I'm talking about...Holy Mother of God, absolutely unbelievable, never in my wildest dreams, drop-dead, fucking GORGEOUS. It hit me like a ton of bricks and literally caught me off guard (how could I see that coming if I thought my hot and bothered was on vacation, right?).

Last night, I had to take my wonderful adopted kitty to the photo studio. The little supermodel is going to be in next year's adoption group calendar! Now, the founder and I have known each other for 10 years, so she knows my history with photographers. Before we scheduled, she tells me he's already taken. Not to worry, I said, I've learned my lesson with them, twice, and I'm proud to say I'm done. Besides, all the people I've met through the adoption group have been a bit older, so I wasn't expecting anything other than a middle-aged man (sorry M!). Well...I was in for the shock of my life when I arrived downtown.

The studio door opened, and I found myself looking into the face of a man who could have been Gabriel Aubry's twin brother. I'm not even joking. I didn't know what to do. Again, it's been a few months since I've found myself being bowled over by a man and was really beginning to wonder if I would ever feel hot and bothered again (has that ever happened to any of you???). But last night, I was definitely hot AND bothered.

I know M said he was taken, so I hope I handled myself well. I hope he didn't see me checking out his butt. I hope he didn't see me blush. I was hoping he would become arrogant and turn me off, but he didn't. I wondered if the attraction was mutual. I hope I didn't act nervous or like a giggly school girl. I hope he couldn't tell I wanted to have his children immediately, which is amazing, because up until last night I had been completely ambivalent about the thought of bearing children! Sigh...

Alas, he is unavailable. Which has a sort of ironic poetry to it, doesn't it? Woman loses attraction to men, woman meets Gabriel Aubry look-alike, woman gets hot and bothered...man not interested and says "we" throughout photo session when talking about him and whoever. Life is cruel, my friends...so, so, so cruel.

Well, at least I've got my hot and bothered back!!!!

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What Are We Writing For?

This week, Entrepreneur Chick wrote about why we read and write blogs. It's a really good question. Reading the different blogs out there, you always wonder why they started writing, don't you?

Why do you read blogs? Are you satisfying that little voyeur deep down inside? Do you read to track trends, gather info, keep your finger on the pulse of an industry?

Why did I start writing this blog? To be honest, I started it to make my life easier. After my last relationship ended a few months ago, I began to find myself telling friends my latest bad date story over and over and over again. I don't mind, because I always manage to find the humor in a bad situation.

But at a get together one night, a friend's husband asked me, "So Chloe, any new bad date stories to tell us since the last time we saw you and you went out with the coke head?" I thought to myself, is this all I'm good for, entertainment??? I was still happy to make my friends laugh, but I was starting to bore myself after telling these stories to different groups of friends. I mean, it's good to laugh and feels even better to make others laugh, but it was time to streamline the process!

Then, Julie & Julia came out. Yes, I'm sure that movie inspired thousands, if not millions, to start blogging, and I am one of the masses. I admit it. I'll also admit that before I started writing my own blog, my experience with blogs was limited to gossip and the occasional NY Times blog.

I kicked the idea around for a few days...how many other women have bad date experiences, but need help finding the humor? If I share my stories, maybe others will have a different perspective of theirs...? If my friends find these stories funny, why not share the laughs?

So I started writing, and I realized I really, really love it! I asked myself every day for those first few weeks, why didn't I start this years ago??? Is anyone reading? Does anyone even care???

To my readers, I truly hope I make you laugh once in a while. This is me, thanking you for reading :)

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Is Honesty the Best Policy?

When you're on a first date that is complete dullsville, or maybe it's not a total loss, but you know you don't have any interest in a second, how do you handle it? Do you say you'll call and then just don't? Or do you go the other route and say, "Call me", but then ignore all his follow up calls? Or, do you tell him the truth and say, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not that into you"?

Is it mean, to be so honest? Okay, maybe the last example was too honest, but you get my what I'm saying here.

I have a speech...a first date "Let-Down" speech. It's pretty well-rehearsed by now, and has been fine-tuned over the last few years. It's gentle, kind, but very clear. I believe in respect, honesty, and not wasting anyone's time (mine or theirs). But I'm also not interested in wasting my energy avoiding phone calls or lying to people. It's just not my thing. I only deliver the "speech" as needed, and have learned to be careful with it. I've learned that honesty is a rare, and therefore, very powerful thing!

So it goes something like this: if I'm on a date and just not feeling any cha-cha, I'll stay for 1, maybe 2 drinks max, which should be about an hour or so. I figure that's long enough to be polite, and if he isn't terribly boring or a major asshole, not too much time has been lost. I'm in sales, so I can pretty much talk to anybody. Plus, I find people interesting, so sometimes it can be quite entertaining, and I can almost always find a reason to laugh!

After a fair amount of time has passed, I'll start winding it down, saying that I need to be getting home and that it's a busy week for me so I can't be out late (usually pretty true on a school night, I ALWAYS schedule first dates on school nights so there is an automatic exit strategy). As we walk out of the bar, restaurant, or wherever, if, and only if he starts to allude to a second date, like, "This was fun, we should do this again sometime..." Then I feel it's only fair to not play games and be honest with him, so I deliver my speech, and it goes something like this:

"I had very a nice time talking and getting to know you tonight, thank you so much. I definitely would want to hang out again as friends, but I just don't think there is any chemistry here, I'm sorry."

Is that too harsh? You'd be surprised at some of the reactions I've gotten.

One guy, let's call him Dragon Breath, practically ran into traffic to get away from me after the speech because he was so shocked. I have to admit, it wasn't exactly an Academy Award winning performance, but he had MAJOR dragon breath, and he was going in for a kiss, so I totally panicked and kind of just blurted it out. I couldn't help it, it was a knee-jerk reaction, really! It was either that, or let him kiss me and puke all over him, it was THAT BAD!!!

Next time I'm in a similar situation, I'll tell him I don't kiss on the first date, and THEN deliver the speech, would that be better?

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Do I Have a White-Boy Fetish?

As I've mentioned in The Gynecologist's Advice and in The White Knight, I don't really date Asian men. I'm just not attracted to them, I can't help it. Plus, much to my mother's dismay, other than the ones I'm related to, I don't know any. What is a girl to do?

It was back in college when I somehow lost my attraction to Asian men. How does that happen? Did I forget it somewhere, like in the university library, when I re-shelved that copy of Deviant Psychology? Or maybe someone borrowed it with my Psychedelic Furs CD and never gave it back...? Or was I robbed?

Not that I'm sad about it, but my Mom sure is. She wonders what I have against Chinese men, and thinks it's an insult, like I think they're not good enough for me or something. Sorry Mom, but I've tried. You just can't force these things.

It's not like I can control who I'm attracted to. I just don't look at an Asian man and think, "oh baby". And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. So does that mean I have a white-boy fetish???

There are many terms for men who have an Asian fetish - Rice Queen (I know, that only applies to gay men, but it's soooo much funnier than the term Rice King), Yellow Fever, Rice Lover, Asiaphile (I found that one in Wikipedia)...none very flattering. Christ, is there a term for those of us who exclusively date White boys? And is ours a fetish, or simply a preference?

Amongst the few Asians I do know, very few of us would date a White boy who only dates Asians. It's just creepy. You never know if they want you for you, or for the fantasy. You know what fantasy I'm talking about. The quiet, submissive, Geisha-girl, laugh oh-so-politely-behind-your-hand laugh, and never talk back. That is NOT me. I love to laugh out loud, and I will talk back. I am quite the antithesis of my China doll appearance, and while I do embrace my feminine side, I am extremely independent. I simply don't fit the expectations...or the fantasy, if you will.

I bumped into an ex a few weeks ago while having dinner at Japonais with a friend. Apparently he was on an eHarmony date, which was funny, because the last time I bumped into him, I think he was on his way to a Match date. A few days later, I was on the phone with a girlfriend we each still keep in touch with, and mentioned bumping into him. She asked me if his date was Chinese, which I didn't know, but of course I had to ask why. I wish I hadn't, because it seems since we broke up nearly 10 years ago, he has almost exclusively dated Asians. Now THAT is creepy.

Ah well, to each his own, right? At least I can say I was the first!

So what's wrong with me? Maybe something in my brain is just wired differently...

It's time to crawl into bed, so I think I'm going to stop analyzing it and just love me (and my preferences) as I am!

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The White Knight

We all have a list of things we look for in a boyfriend. Smart, funny, good-looking, motivated, attentive, healthy, no Mommy-issues, financially stable (no more deadbeats for me), honest, blah blah blah. I'm not sure what is on men's list, but I guess the basics are about the same, right? Most women I've talked to have very similar lists, but there is one trait not a single person has mentioned, and it honestly has never even crossed my mind until today.

As I was discussing "checklists" with a friend earlier today, he asked me: When you are dating someone, is there an expectation that they will be able to protect you?

It's a really good question. In all the times I've thought about what I look for in a man, I have never specifically asked for a big, strong man. But don't we all look for that in some form or another? I have a habit of dating men who have served in the Armed Forces - my last boyfriend was a fighter pilot in the Israeli Air Force. So, is it just assumed that we look for it? Is it taboo for a modern girl to say it aloud?

Aren't we all looking for a knight in shining armor?

In spite of never having specified strength and brawn, I have referred to it in conversation on occasion. Last year, a few girls and I were at R Bar, and this drunk-ass girl picked a fight with my friend's boyfriend. Being drunk himself, he got in her face, she started pushing him, it wasn't pretty. My girlfriend calmed her boyfriend down, but the drunk girl's boyfriend (who happened to be Asian), did absolutely nothing. He didn't stand up for her, he didn't get in the middle and try to protect her, he just stood by, and let her pick a fight and come close to blows with a man. It was pathetic - I turned to another friend, and said that what just happened is yet another reason I don't date Asian men. I know it's a stereotype, but I can't help it, Asian men just don't convey strength and the illusion of protector.

But I digress...Look at what we've done in the last few decades, ladies - we've gone through the sexual freedom of the 60's, the feminist 70's, the power-suited working girls of the 80's, and onto the late 90's, which gave us Sex & the City. In this day and age, we have been conditioned to be independent, self-sufficient, and confident. We can have it all, but are we allowed to be vulnerable at the same time? Do we need someone to protect us from the Big Bad Wolf? I sure as hell do.

I don't consider myself to be a feminist. I'm pretty sure the women in my circle believe in the strength, beauty and power of women, but would not call themselves feminists either. No, we're definitely not feminists. But we're not allowed to be vulnerable either. We have been taught that vulnerable = weak. And weak just doesn't work in this city.

Having lived alone for close to a decade, I can take care of my bills, have disposable income to play with, am perfectly capable of fixing my toilet and can caulk like nobody's business. But at the end of the day, I am looking for someone who will watch over me.

While I don't want someone who is aggressive, I do want a man who will stand up for me, and when I think about it, I do watch for cues that will make me feel safe when I am out on a date, like as we cross the street, does he walk on the side of oncoming traffic? Does he look out for the sidewalk grills when I'm wearing heels? If we pass a rowdy group of men, would he put himself between us as we walk by?

What do you think? Am I old-fashioned? What do you look for in a partner? Would you shun a man who wants to be your knight in shining armor?

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Fortune Cookie 9.21.2009

Fortune Cookie of the day:
"Simplify"

I love it! It's only one word, but it speaks volumes. Simplify.

Fall is upon us, and it's time to clean out my closets - literally and figuratively. This is the time of year we start to clear the clutter and lighten the load. I love that feeling I get when I ruthlessly tear through my closet and the donation pile gets larger and larger. If I haven't worn it in a year, out it goes. Those books I have no intention of ever reading again? Do a book exchange with a friend, or put it in the donation pile. DVD's I never watch? Leave them in the basement for the neighbors to benefit from. All the stuff that accumulates in the junk drawer? Garbage! Old papers? Shred and recycle.

And that extends to life as well. Those "friends" I wrote about a few weeks ago who do nothing but pollute and spread their negativity? I'm sorry, but it's time to let go, or at least to put a lot of space between us. I wish you the best and will support you with as much positive energy as I can provide...from afar.

I want a fresh, clean slate for my next adventure. I'd like to make room for my spirit and heart to grow, a clear path for my mind to explore and play! If you're consumed with clutter, how else will you know what you desire in life?

Simplify!

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Potential Jesus Freak, Part II

We left off the other day at the end of my first date with the Potential Jesus Freak. Honestly, in spite of the premature revelation about his love of God, I had a good time. He made me laugh, conversation flowed easily, he seemed fun!

After our date, we continued to talk and email, getting to know one another. This whole experience taught me it really IS good to take your time getting to know someone. No more rushing into things, especially into bed, for me. Date #2 was that...interesting!

We went out to dinner for our second date, and it was nice. Again, great conversation, good food. The after-dinner conversation, however, was a whole other story. As soon as we walked out of the resto, we started walking around and the first thing he asked me was, "So Chloe, tell me something about yourself I don't already know."

I stood there, thinking to myself, was that a real question??? What does he need to know RIGHT NOW that he can't learn naturally over the course of time? I was stumped. I hate questions like that - the questioner tries to make it seem spontaneous but they're really not. So I'm wracking my brain, trying to think of something, anything that's not a stupid mundane or routine factoid. And the only thing I can think of is, "Well...I did a lot of partying and drugs in my early 20's, therefore I don't remember most of that period of my life, but I can confidently say I had a lot of fun"?

(Yes, this is what comes out of my mouth when put on the spot and asked stupid questions like that.)

Him: Oh, okay...and where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Now I'm starting to feel all the fun sucked out of me and getting kind of annoyed. This was starting to feel like a job interview. I know some people approach dating that way, but I don't. I think of a date as a chance to go out with someone new, have a good time, and at the same time, get to know each other. But the ultimate goal of the night should be FUN, not to run through a checklist of questions. I thought these must be his standard second date questions, and was wondering when he was going to hand me my sealed test packet and #2 pencil. Is the whole test comprised of essay questions, or will there be multiple choice too?

And who asks that question, anyway? I guess I'm more of a live for the day kind of person. I don't even know where I'll be 10 days from now, much less 10 years! But again, this is why you should never shit where you eat. I couldn't blow him off because he was a client, so the utmost diplomacy had to be employed here.

Me: Well, I guess I'm not really much of a planner, so who knows where I'll be 10 years from now. All I can say is I'll probably still be living here in the city, because I don't want to live anywhere else. Hopefully I'll be a little more settled, and hopefully a little bit smarter.

Him: What do you mean by settled?

Me: (Barely disguised rolling eyes) Well, I don't want to live in a studio apartment forever, so I'd like a bigger apartment.

Him: Does bigger apartment mean settled to you???

Me: Of course it's a part of it. I would hope to be with someone down the line and therefore need a bigger apartment. Do I want to settle down? Of course, eventually. But only with the right man. I'm not going to settle with someone just to be married and have kids because it's what's "supposed" to happen.

Him: And what did you mean by smarter?

Me: (Jesus Christ, is he taking notes???) Well, hopefully you learn something new every day, and if I'm still alive 10 years from now, hopefully I will have retained some of the lessons I've learned along the way! (Like never to go out with you again after tonight!!!)

Him: So what do you pursue in life, Chloe?

Me: (Now I'm really losing my patience) *sigh* That's a very broad question, what do you mean?

Him: Well it's your life, what do you pursue?!

Me: Oh God...I pursue lots of things. Let's see...I pursue...money. I pursue career growth. I pursue good relationships, whether it's with friends, family, what-have-you. I pursue...fun...and I pursue enlightenment.

Him: And what does enlightenment mean to you?

AHA!!! There was my window to make sure he would NEVER want to ask me on another date again!

Me: Well, as a non-religious person who doesn't believe in organized religion at all...To me, enlightenment means awareness of self, the universe, and having awareness of how those energies correlate to one another. While I don't believe in God, I am spiritual. I do believe there is a higher being or maybe even beings out there. And if there is a God and he's omnipotent like religions say he is, then he knew I would be secular, so he should be okay with it. I don't think he'd care if l'il ole me in this whole entire universe decided not to pray or go to church to worship him or her. I'm pretty sure there are other things going on out there.

Him: But you have to agree there is sin. And that there needs to be forgiveness of sin. I think God requires a personal relationship with each and every one of us.

Me: No, I don't believe in the concept of sin, or confession. I believe in being a good person and think of life in terms of right and wrong, and if you have wronged, you only need to ask yourself and the party or parties you've wronged for forgiveness. As long as you've asked them for forgiveness, the rest is about how you reconcile within yourself, the universe as a whole, and whatever energy you put out there to the world.

Him: And what would enlightenment mean to you if you were religious?

Me: (He just DOESNT give up, does he?) I can't answer that question.

Him: Why not?

Me: Because I'm NOT religious. I would never even attempt to assume to know what enlightenment meant to a religious person. I don't believe in God. I don't believe in organized religion. I think organized religion was created to control people through fear and judgement. I think religion is the cause of almost all our wars. I don't equate enlightenment with religion, I can't answer that question for you.

At this point, I was really tired of the Spanish Inquisition and didn't feel like talking anymore. I figured it's time for him to answer a question or two, to give me a break from talking so I can figure out how I can bow out gracefully and go home to do something fun, like laundry.

Me: So what about you, what do you pursue in life?

Him: Well, I pursue one thing and one thing only. Everything else in my life just supports that one thing.

So this is how NON-religious I am, I was thinking he's going to say true love...maybe family...or even possibly career. No. Of course none of those answers were right, dumb-ass.

Him: ...And that one thing is God.

Me: (HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. Is he serious??? Don't make a face, don't run, keep him talking so you can keep thinking about how to get the hell out of here! How the hell did this guy get on the island of Manhattan? Who talks like this here???) Wow...really...huh...and...how does pursuing job promotions and advancement in your career help you with your pursuit of God?

My mind was reeling. In hindsight, I know I should have expected that answer, but I'll admit, I was dumb. That answer REALLY threw me off guard! I honestly don't even know what his response was because I was in such shock. I just kept hmm-mmm-ing and nodding at random intervals, which I guess worked because he kept talking and talking.

At this point I wasn't sure if I was doing a good job of quelling his interest or not. Did he think he could try to save my soul, and deliver me to his Lord and Saviour??? I just wanted to go home and put this behind me. So I started yawning. And yawned some more. Conversation about religion and my non-religiousness continued, so I got desperate and actually told him I'm more likely to believe the evidence and theories that aliens dropped off our ancestors in Egypt to populate the world than I believe in the story of Adam and Eve. Yes, I basically told him I would be willing to be a Scientologist. Have you seen that show Ancient Aliens on the History Channel? Very interesting and compelling theories!

That emphatic statement, coupled with all my yawning finally did the trick. He asked me if I was tired, gave me a hug, hailed me a cab and I was on my way home. He didn't send me the standard follow up text, never called to say he had a good time, thank God (if there is a God). And a week later, I started working with his counterpart at the client site instead of him. Thankfully he was a mature adult and we were friendly, but nothing more. Phew! Could you imagine if we had actually kissed or something? YUCK.

That was an extremely painful reminder that one should never shit where they eat. Lesson re-learned! I will never, ever, EVER go out with a client again!!!

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