I turned 35 this weekend. I am now officially in my mid-thirties. Next year I will be even closer to my 40's.
Wow.
Thankfully, I still look like I'm in my late twenties. I even got bum-rushed to be carded the night of my birthday (I guess the bouncer thought I was trying to sneak in)! But the fact is, I'm NOT in my 20's, or even early 30's anymore. You're only as old as you feel, right? Thankfully, I feel pretty damn good! And, I'm still young at heart (and hopefully always will be!!!)
But today it suddenly hit me...my eggs are getting old. It hit me hard. I don't know why or where it came from, but that thought just kept popping in my head throughout the day. It was depressing as hell. I realized that in 2 years, the viability of my eggs will be seriously questionable. I know that women today are having babies later and later, but even if I am able to get pregnant a few years from now, the chances of having a baby with Downs syndrome are increased. That's another fact I can't ignore or talk myself out of.
Nothing could get me out of this endless thought cycle today. I thought I was going to start crying...at work! My girlfriend (who is 32 years old) tried to empathize and said we're in the same boat, but we're not. It's not the same when you're 32 - at 32 it's a niggling thought, a fear for the future. At 35, it's a biological and physical reality that is even more amplified when you're single with no decent prospects. The thing that kills me is, I'm only 83% sure I want babies, and I would be perfectly happy to adopt, but this fact, this reality is just THERE.
And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Regardless of how young I still look, as great as I still feel...no matter how well I eat and how good I am to my body and how often I work out, the fact is, I'm aging, and there is a window that is getting smaller and smaller.
Oh sure, I can freeze my eggs, I know that. But even if I go that route now, there's still no guarantee that IVF will work later on. And just because my eggs would be frozen in time doesn't mean my body and I will!
When I was in my 20's and early 30's, I didn't even want kids. The idea of having children actually gave me a physical reaction, and seeing pregnant women walking down the street made me glad it was them and not me. Then one day, I read a book that made me cry. Really, this is how I changed my mind about the whole baby thing. There was a scene in Emily Giffin's "Something Blue", where the main character, who treated her pregnancy as a fabulous modern city girl's fashion accessory, had a scare with the babies. The whole range of emotions she went through - the fear, the relief, and then finally realizing that she felt love for them actually made me want to experience pregnancy and have babies. A fucking chick-lit book did this to me!!! I remember it like it was yesterday, I was reading and crying, and all I could think was, I want to feel this kind of love, I need to experience this!
And here I am today. At least my Mom skipped the "you're not getting any younger" speech this year. Thanks Mom!
