Beware of The Repeaters!!!

The way some people approach online dating thing absolutely boggles my mind. Yes, I'm back in the saddle again. I figure it's time - I want to find someone to share my life with, and I'm just not meeting anyone out there, you know?

So I reactivated my account, did a little search, and let me tell you...slim pickings. Oye. I haven't been that active, but as a woman in the online dating world, you don't really have to do much work. Post your profile and a pic, and the emails and winks will come. You won't necessarily always like what you see, but weed through it all and you never know. Hey, it worked for me last time, right?

But what amazes me is how many repeaters I've been getting. I mean, if I didn't want to talk to you or go out with you before, what makes you think I would this time around??? I wonder if they know they're repeats. I mean, if I remember their picture, wouldn't they...?

Unfortunately, some of them do remember. For example, I once went on a date with a guy I met online, and it was by far one of the worst dates ever. This guy had to have been one of the most narcissistic, self-absorbed men I've ever met in my life. I have no proof of this, but he just seemed like one of those guys who was always checking himself out in the mirror and blowing himself little kisses. I realize it all must have been a mechanism to mask deep insecurity, but that's an issue for his therapist to resolve.

The dinner started off pleasant enough, but as it progressed, he dominated the conversation with talk of himself, his Mercedes, his apartments, his businesses and how they were nothing until he came on board, etc. It was excruciating. He did pause on occasion, but only to ask, "That's impressive, right?" or, "That's a lot of money, right?". And he asked those questions more than once!

Needless to say, as we were saying good bye and he asked for a second date, I gave him my famous, "I'm sorry, you're very nice but I don't think there's any chemistry here" speech. He didn't take it very well once he got over his shock and as I sped away in my cab. He blew up my phone with texts telling me that I really know how to make a guy feel good about himself and stuff like that. I tried ignoring them, but he just kept texting, so I finally told him I was very sorry he felt that way, and while I did enjoy talking to him, I would rather be honest than waste his time. Of course the jackass had to have the last word so he replied and said, "You're right, there wasn't any chemistry, I felt it." Whatever, dude.

So imagine my surprise when here we are over two years later, and I suddenly get an email via the dating site that says in the subject, "How is Zoe?" and in the body of the message, one of those "long time no speak, let's go out sometime" emails. I clicked on the profile to see who in the world it was and how he knew my beloved dog, Zoe, and OH MY GOD. It was him...The Narcissist. I couldn't believe it. What in the world made him think I would want to speak with him, let alone go out with him again??? Talk about delusional! I didn't even bother replying, just deleted the message, and hoped he would get the message.

Apparently not. A week later, I got a follow up email, asking me, "Why the ignore???"

DELETED and BLOCKED!

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The Therapy Session

I had an interesting date tonight...to say the least. It was...um...entertaining. Hehe

It was my first totally blind date, luckily, he was a good looking guy! A little older, 44, but he was in great shape, had all his hair, he was funny and seemed nice. We spoke on the phone for a bit last night, and had a really good conversation. We got to know each other a little, laughed, made a date for tonight...I was looking forward to it and was excited!

Our reservations were for 8:30 at one of my favorite sushi spots, Kanoyama. If you can get there, GO. The sushi is amazing!!! He showed up almost 20 minutes late, and didn't text me to let me know he was running late until I had text him to let him know I had arrived and was sitting at the bar. Not an ideal start, but whatever.

Since it was a restaurant I was familiar with, he asked that I do the ordering, which I was fine with, but then he proceeded to give me a laundry list of his likes and dislikes. I didn't know how to keep up with it, he just rattled it all off! I was like, well it sounds like you know what you want, so why am I doing the ordering...? We were talking, so I really didn't get to look at the day's menu, but we ordered an app as soon as we sat down, and continued our conversation, menu forgotten. When our app came, he told the waitress to hold on, we'd like to order, and started to eat the appetizer while I had to quickly figure out what to order! I don't know...maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe it's nice to wait until everyone is ready before you begin eating, don't you? Sigh.

He was a nice man, he really was. And very funny. I guess there was just no cha-cha. He talked about his last girlfriend...a lot. He told me how long they dated, how tough the break up was (and they only broke up a month ago, btw), how he loved her but she just wasn't the ONE, why they broke up, etc. He would say she was a wonderful girl and had nothing bad to say about her, and in the next breath say that he's glad they're not together anymore because she's crazy. He told me about his post-divorce transition relationship, how he's looking for love...yes, I was starting to feel like a therapist.

I didn't do much of the talking, now that I look back at the evening. He didn't ask many questions. Maybe he was nervous...? I asked him at one point if he had any pets, and the answer was no, that he's divorced and sharing custody, so he's getting to the point where he wants to be free to do what he wants, but he does think that cats are easier, but that having a dog is like having a down's syndrome baby. People, I was SHOCKED. I didn't know what to say! Who says stuff like that???!!! Even if I wasn't a huge animal lover, isn't that just...offensive????

It was just an odd evening. I did laugh a lot though. I wondered if he had ADHD or something. There were a few times throughout the evening when we were talking about one thing, and just as I was about to start saying something, he would interrupt and make some off-hand comment (almost to himself) about something we had spoken about far earlier in the evening. And each time I said in my head, "am I here???" It was like he wasn't...present.

Like I said, there were some moments that were just weird. Ah well...another funny story to share with you all! ;)

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A New Milestone - Tick Tock

I turned 35 this weekend. I am now officially in my mid-thirties. Next year I will be even closer to my 40's.

Wow.

Thankfully, I still look like I'm in my late twenties. I even got bum-rushed to be carded the night of my birthday (I guess the bouncer thought I was trying to sneak in)! But the fact is, I'm NOT in my 20's, or even early 30's anymore. You're only as old as you feel, right? Thankfully, I feel pretty damn good! And, I'm still young at heart (and hopefully always will be!!!)

But today it suddenly hit me...my eggs are getting old. It hit me hard. I don't know why or where it came from, but that thought just kept popping in my head throughout the day. It was depressing as hell. I realized that in 2 years, the viability of my eggs will be seriously questionable. I know that women today are having babies later and later, but even if I am able to get pregnant a few years from now, the chances of having a baby with Downs syndrome are increased. That's another fact I can't ignore or talk myself out of.

Nothing could get me out of this endless thought cycle today. I thought I was going to start crying...at work! My girlfriend (who is 32 years old) tried to empathize and said we're in the same boat, but we're not. It's not the same when you're 32 - at 32 it's a niggling thought, a fear for the future. At 35, it's a biological and physical reality that is even more amplified when you're single with no decent prospects. The thing that kills me is, I'm only 83% sure I want babies, and I would be perfectly happy to adopt, but this fact, this reality is just THERE.

And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Regardless of how young I still look, as great as I still feel...no matter how well I eat and how good I am to my body and how often I work out, the fact is, I'm aging, and there is a window that is getting smaller and smaller.

Oh sure, I can freeze my eggs, I know that. But even if I go that route now, there's still no guarantee that IVF will work later on. And just because my eggs would be frozen in time doesn't mean my body and I will!

When I was in my 20's and early 30's, I didn't even want kids. The idea of having children actually gave me a physical reaction, and seeing pregnant women walking down the street made me glad it was them and not me. Then one day, I read a book that made me cry. Really, this is how I changed my mind about the whole baby thing. There was a scene in Emily Giffin's "Something Blue", where the main character, who treated her pregnancy as a fabulous modern city girl's fashion accessory, had a scare with the babies. The whole range of emotions she went through - the fear, the relief, and then finally realizing that she felt love for them actually made me want to experience pregnancy and have babies. A fucking chick-lit book did this to me!!! I remember it like it was yesterday, I was reading and crying, and all I could think was, I want to feel this kind of love, I need to experience this!

And here I am today. At least my Mom skipped the "you're not getting any younger" speech this year. Thanks Mom!

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Pardon Me, Have We Gone Out?

About a year ago, girl meets boy, friend gives boy the girl's phone number, boy calls girl and asks her out. We went on what I thought was a really good date - we went for a nice dinner, walked around exploring the neighborhood and talking, stopped for dessert, walked around some more to talk and get to know each other, he gave me a big hug at the end of the night, said he'd call me the next day...and I never heard from him again.

Recently, I bumped into him. And he didn't recognize me. I was shocked. We talked, he did the whole, "it's been a long time..." -thing, and we made small talk, but I swear, by the end of the conversation, I still wasn't sure if he figured out who I was. Am I that forgettable???!!!

It's not like we met on a stupid drunken night and had a quick encounter or a one-night stand. We went on a six hour date!!! I'm trying to not take it personally, but this is definitely a hit to the ego.

Oh well...you can't win them all!

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For Love or Money

I passed a couple on the street today - a lithe, hip, gorgeous 20-something Asian girl on the arm of a 60+ Caucasian gentleman. And he definitely was not her grandpa. I don't get it.

Actually, who am I to judge, right? But seriously, how does that work? You see that walking down the street and it just screams SUGAR DADDY. But for all I know, they have major intellectual/cerebral chemistry. It's possible...right?

I mean, there's someone out there for everyone, so maybe he's her someone and vice versa. There's no explaining chemistry. But then I started to wonder, could I be in a relationship like that? Not likely. Alternatively, could I be in a relationship where I was the breadwinner (again)?

Based on past experience, my knee-jerk reaction is a big, resounding NO. I have no problem being with someone who makes less than me, but significantly less? My experience is that it emasculated my partner, and he started to treat me not so nicely. It sucked. You think that sharing is helping, but it just made the whole situation worse and worse and worse, until it simply broke.

And in hindsight, I get it. It was a whole male ego thing - he felt that being supported by his girlfriend made him less of a man. But what was the alternative? I wanted to stand by my man, and I couldn't stand by and watch him in pain.

Or maybe I should have. I gave and gave, until I had nothing left to give. Emotionally, that is. I spent so much time looking after him and taking care of him and making sure his feelings would be okay, that one day I woke up and realized, who's looking after my needs? Who's making sure I'm okay? I certainly wasn't, and had forgotten that I even had wants and needs that weren't his. It sucked, and it hurt, but I realized I had to focus on myself and get myself out of the hole if I wanted a semblance of a happy life. It felt so selfish, but like I said, even I wasn't looking out for me.

So on the flip side, would I date a sugar daddy? No, even if I could not be an equal contributor, then at least I would need to be a contributor. But I do want babies, and I would love to be able to stay home with them for at least the first few years of their lives. And that's impossible if your partner's income can't support it. Children are expensive. New York is expensive. How do people do it in this city? Yes, you make sacrifices, save up, and budget. Everyone doesn't live a Sex & the City lifestyle, I get it. Money is useless without love. But love without money is...stressful. I've seen my parents go through it...not fun.

Sigh...is it possible to have it all???

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The Battle Between the Sexes Continues

I came across an article today that sheds yet another ray of light on what makes men, well, men. Seems being around a gorgeous woman could be harmful to a man's health!!!

I'd be curious to read the actual statistics behind this study, but according to the University of Valencia, being around a beautiful woman can cause a man to release the stress hormone, cortisol. According to the article, cortisol can be a factor in heart disease, diabetes, erectile dysfunction (oh so that's why it happens sometimes!!!), depression and high blood pressure. So they weren't kidding when they said looks can kill, huh?

Does a beautiful woman make you nervous, gentlemen? Insecure? Hyper-sensitive? Anxious...?

This reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite movies, Beautiful Girls, where Michael Rapaport's character goes on a diatribe about supermodels and beautiful women:

"A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high, full of the single greatest commodity known to man, promise. The promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular ore can be found the gate of a beautiful girl. In her smile, and in her soul...in the way she makes every rotten little thing in life seem like it's gonna be okay."

He goes on to call beautiful girls "hope dancing in stiletto heels, and all-powerful, which is as good as love."

Really??? Is that how men view us? It all seemed so...promising until that last line!

Gentlemen...we are not objects. We are feeling, thinking, vulnerable souls who love and want to be loved. The vulnerable girl inside of me wants to be taken and protected, but I don't want to be on a pedestal like that. I know now that there is no living up to that fantasy. Just...take me and love me. It's as simple as that.

Hmm...it may be time to get back in the dating game again, see if we can find the right dancing partner to glide with me across this dance floor we call earth...

But back to the article, what does a beautiful woman make you feel?

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Time to Say That I Am...Me

I often write about my two halves - my Chinese self, and my American self. Most of my life has been spent trying to figure out which half is guiding me, and honestly, it's been a struggle for me. I've always felt like a woman stuck between two worlds.

I think there has always been the part of me who has felt the need to be "Chinese" enough to please my parents. The need to feel like I have a culture, a heritage. Yet I was raised here, as an American, and as an extremely independent person who embraces uniqueness. I have never quite fit in anyone's mold. Thank God!

And now I wonder...why do I feel this need to question myself? Why has it been so difficult for me to accept myself as I am? Why do I need to see it as a split?

My trip to Bali was a quest for healing, rejuvenation and revelation. And during my quest, I decided to stop questioning it all and just love me as I am. I am simply a whole and complete woman with different layers that make up my complex personality. I do have a heritage, I do have a culture and a history, and I embrace that. But regardless of all that, I am...me. There, I said it!

In the spirit of this new, whole me, I realized that it was time for me to and put my nom de plume back in the closet. So, my readers, the real me is not Chloe, but...Sharon.

Very nice to meet you. :)

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